


Nicotine

by melghuh



Category: Orphan Black (TV), Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Chloe Beale - Freeform, F/F, Orphan Black - Freeform, Panic at the Disco - Freeform, Pitch Perfect - Freeform, Songfic, beca mitchell - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-07-15 15:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7227535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melghuh/pseuds/melghuh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bechloe one-shot based on the song 'Nicotine' by Panic! At The Disco.<br/>*Turned into story*</p>
<p>Warning! A lot of self-harm in this story may be triggering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nicotine

_**Cross my heart and hope to die** _

_**Burn my lungs and curse my eyes** _

_**I've lost control and I don't want it back** _

 

Chloe Beale was in love with Beca Mitchell, but she wasn't so sure Beca would say the same anymore.

She loved the tiny DJ with all her heart, yet she didn't know if Beca loved her.

No one knew she thought this, and she wanted to keep it that way.

She didn't want Beca to know what she thought, she didn't want to break the smaller girl.

 

**Chloe's POV**

_'Can't you see? She doesn't love you, she never did.'_

_'Beca Mitchell has never loved you Chloe, not for one second!'_

_'Who could anyway? Too clingy, too overprotective, too touchy, too talkative, who could love her?'_

_'Nobody will ever love you, nobody will need her, nobody ever has.'_

I hold my head as the voices get louder and louder.

"Stop! Just stop!" I yell into the empty apartment.

_'You know it's true Chloe. How could badass Beca Mitchell love you, the girly, talkative, clingy chick who hasn't left her alone since she met her?'_

_'Beca will never love you Chloe, nobody will, nobody ever has.'_

_'Not even your parents did, you were a mistake.'_

I squeezed my eyes shut and slid down the wall.

_'Oh Chloe, don't you see? Nobody needs you, nobody loves you, and nobody will miss you if you were gone.'_

I held my head tighter.

I always knew this would happen if I drank too much.

It always did, that's why I rarely drank anymore.

But tonight, on the night of my three year anniversary of being with Beca, I did.

She didn't wish me a happy anniversary, she say goodbye before going to work, she didn't even look at me.

And that's when it sunk in.

'Maybe it's true, Beca doesn't love me anymore, maybe she never did.' I thought to myself.

I got up and headed to the bathroom, I hadn't done this in three years, now I break the record.

_'That's it Chloe, it's better this way. The pain will be gone and no one will miss you. Not Beca, not Aubrey, not your parents, not the Bellas, who could, you're easy to forget, you're plain, nothing makes you special.'  
_

A sob escapes my throat as a reach into the draw.

I pull out the blade and roll up my sleeve and all my scars become visible.

I cut and I cut, I don't stop until my forearms are covered in blood.

I let out another sob.

 

 

**_I'm going numb, I've been hijacked_ **

**_It's a fucking drag_ **

 

I remembered the first kiss I ever shared with Beca.

It was the best night of my life.

She had actually kissed me first.

I was so surprised, I almost didn't react, but I did, and I tangled my hands into her soft hair.

I remember the way her lips tasted.

I remember the way they fit perfectly against my own.

I remember how soft they felt.

I remember how she told me she loved me.

The tears continued falling down my face.

I remember the last two years.

We barely kissed.

We barely talked.

We barely saw each other.

She was almost never home.

And when she got back from work, she'd go straight to be, and when I woke up the next morning, she'd already be gone.

She hadn't even told me she loved me since our one year anniversary.

Not once.

Maybe she just doesn't love me anymore.

Maybe she's causing me all this pain on purpose, to show me that she never really cared.

I let out another sob and pulled off my pants.

 

_**I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you** _

_**So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do** _

_**Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine** _

_**Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine** _

 

I looked at my thighs and saw all the scars that were left behind.

Years of cutting could do that to someone.

I passed my fingers over the scars slowly.

I laughed quietly.

"It's funny Beca, you're the one to saved me the last time, but now you're the cause of it." I say to nobody.

I took the blade and passed it across my thigh over and over and over again until I couldn't feel any pain.

I looked at the blood and sobbed.

I remember the day Beca found me cutting.

**'There was a knock at my door.**

**Aubrey had gone out, and I was alone again.**

**The person knocked again.**

**"Chloe, you there?"**

**It was Beca.**

**I quickly dried the blood on my wrists and hid the towel.**

**I pulled down my sleeves and opened the door.**

**"Sorry, I was listening to music,"**

**Beca smiled and nodded.**

**"Can we hang out? Kimmy Jin has all her friends over and it's crowded,"**

**"Sure, sure,"**

**I move from the door so she can come in.**

**I closed the door and turned to Beca.**

**When she saw me she gasped.**

**I looked down at my wrist.**

**'Shit!'**

**My sleeve had gotten caught on something and went up my arm.**

**"Chloe, w-why?"**

**I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing did.**

**I felt the tears build up and start to fall.**

**I lost it.**

**I fell to my knees and sobbed.**

**I felt someone wrap their arms around me and cried harder.**

**"Shhh, everything's gonna me okay. You'll be okay," Beca whispered in my ear as she rubbed my back.'**

She tried so hard to help me.

And she did, but now she wasn't here to help me.

She was far away, causing it instead.

My thighs were full of blood.

I needed another source of pain.

I found a lighter in the kitchen and put my hand over it.

I felt my hand burn, but didn't move it away.

This was even better than cutting.

 

_**It's better to burn than to fade away** _

_**It's better to leave than to be replaced** _

_**I'm losing to you, baby, I'm no match** _

 

I couldn't feel anything, anymore.

I just couldn't feel anything.

And I was okay with that.

I preferred it that way.

I wanted it to be like this forever.

I decided that Beca needed to know.

I picked up the phone and called her.

"Hi! This is Beca, I can't make it to the phone write now, so leave a message or send me a quick text,"

Of course she wouldn't pick up.

 

_**I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you** _

_**So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do** _

_**Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine** _

_**Yeah, you're worse than nicotine ,nicotine** _

_**Yeah** _

 

Why would she?

She didn't love me, no one did.

So no one would miss me.

I just wanted to feel her lips on mine one last time though.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey, it's Chloe. I don't know why it took me this long, but it did. It took me this long to see that you don't love me anymore. You barely talk to me, you don't kiss me, you rarely look at me, and you haven't told me you loved me in over two years. I just can't anymore Becs, I can't. I don't know what I did to our relationship, but I'm sorry. If you had told me, I would have tried to fix it. But it doesn't matter anymore. By the time you come home, I'll be gone,"

I took a deep breath.

"You may not love me anymore, but I still love you. I always have and I always will. Goodbye Beca,"

 

_**I'm going numb, I've been hijacked** _

_**It's a fucking drag** _

_**Just one more hit and then we're through** _

_**'Cause you could never love me back** _

_**Cut every tie I have to you** _

_**'Cause your love's a fucking drag** _

_**But I need it so bad** _

_**Your love's a fucking drag** _

_**But I need it so bad** _

 

I ended the call and picked up my blade again.

I held a picture of me and Beca kissing in my hand.

I passed the blade over my artery and laid there, waiting for the darkness to consume me.

"I love you Beca," I whispered.

"And I always will, even if you've stopped loving me,"

 

_**Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine** _

_**Yeah, you're worse than nicotine, nicotine.** _

_**Yeah** _

 


	2. Fix You

_**When you try your best, but you don't succeed** _

_**When you get what you want, but not what you need** _

 

Beca Mitchell was in love with Chloe Beale, and she would never stop loving her.

But she constantly felt horrible because she was barely home, swamped with work.

She often got home after Chloe was asleep and  left before she woke.

She can't even remember the last time she told the redhead she loved her. 

 

**Beca's POV**

I just got out of one of my meetings and sat in my office.

I just leaned back and closed my eyes to relax for a little while.

I hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in God knows how long.

I opened my eyes again and sighed.

 

**_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
_ **

**_Stuck in reverse_ **

 

I picked up my phone and saw I had a voice-mail.

It was from Chloe.

I instantly clicked on it and listened.

_'Hey, it's Chloe. I don't know why it took me this long, but it did. It took me this long to see that you don't love me anymore. You barely talk to me, you don't kiss me, you rarely look at me, and you haven't told me you loved me in over two years. I just can't anymore Becs, I can't. I don't know what I did to our relationship, but I'm sorry. If you had told me, I would have tried to fix it. But it doesn't matter anymore. By the time you come home, I'll be gone,'_

_She took a deep breath._

_'You may not love me anymore, but I still love you. I always have and I always will. Goodbye Beca,'_

And then she hung up.

I looked at the time of the message.

Five minutes ago.

I grabbed my phone and keys and ran to my car.

I felt the tears burning my eyes.

I jumped in and sped home, barely avoiding multiple collisions.

I couldn't let her go.

 

_**And the tears come streaming down your face  
** _

 

I saw the house around the corner and parked the car.

I ran inside without even turning it off.

I looked for Chloe everywhere on the first floor.

When I didn't find her, I looked upstairs.

I wiped at my eyes and I ran around, the tears wouldn't stop.

She couldn't leave me, she was the one person I loved, the one person who loved me back.

I opened the bathroom door and saw blood, a lot of it.

I felt a sob escape my lips as I ran out.

I looked in our room and found Chloe on the ground clutching a picture of us. 

I ran over and dropped down next to her as a new wave of tears and sobs hit me.

I could see the cuts all over her wrists and thighs and the burn on her hand.

I put my fingers to her pulse point as I sobbed.

 

**_When you lose something you can't replace_ **

**_When you love someone, but it goes to waste_ **

**_Could it be worse?_ **

 

There was a pulse.

I quickly pulled out my phone and dialed nine one one.

I grabbed Chloe's hand as it was ringing.

"Come on, stay with me Chlo, don't leave me,"

Another sob escaped my throat as the ringing stopped.

"Nine one one, what's your emergency?"

"I just came home and found my girlfriend with cuts down her wrists and thighs, she still has a pulse though,"

"Okay miss, what's your address? We'll send someone over right away,"

"34 Burmington Street,"

"Okay, someone will be right over. Just keep checking her pulse,"

"Okay, thank you,"

The call ended.

I looked at Chloe and saw the tear stains on her cheeks.

I slowly moved my hand and wiped them off.

 

_**Lights will guide you home** _

_**And ignite your bones** _

_**And I will try to fix you** _

 

I checked her pulse again, it was there, but getting weaker.

Just then I heard the front door open.

"Upstairs!" I yelled.

I heard footsteps as the men ran up the stairs.

When the entered the room, one automatically moved to Chloe while the other came to me.

"How's her pulse?"

"It was stronger the first time I checked, it's gotten weaker,"

"How long has it been since you found her?"

"About two minutes before I called,"

"Okay miss, we have to take her to the hospital, unfortunately you can't ride in the ambulance because you'll be in the way when we get there, but we can get an officer to come and drive you,"

I nodded as I stared at the other guy putting Chloe on a stretcher.

"They'll be here in less than five minutes, grab whatever you need,"

He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it, giving me a small smile.

I nodded again.

He took a card out of his pocket ad gave it to me.

"When you get to the hospital, ask for me and I'll fill you in on her condition,"

"Thank you,"

He smiled as they left with Chloe.

 

**_And high up above or down below_ **

**_When you're too in love to let it go_ **

**_But if you never try you'll never know_ **

**_Just what you're worth  
_ **

 

I grabbed my things and went to wait on the porch.

As I was waiting, I realized I should text the ex-Bellas.

I pulled out my phone and put them all into a group chat.

_'Hey guys, Chloe's in the hospital, I'll text you guys with any news I get'_

I instantly got a text back from Aubrey.

_'I'll fly out as soon as I can'_

Then from Amy.

_'I'll come visit my favorite flat butt as soon as I can'_

Then from Ashley and Jessica.

_'We'll be there as soon as we can find a flight'_

Slowly, every Bella texted me to say they'd be here as soon as they could.

I saw the police car pull up and ran to it.

"Thank you," I said as we started driving.

"My pleasure," the officer replied.

When we pulled up to the hospital, the officer turned to me.

"I hope girlfriend is okay,"

"Thank you," I replied.

He nodded and smiled.

I got out and ran to the main desk.

I pulled out the card the EMT gave me.

"I'm looking for Steven Days," I told the lady behind the desk.

She nodded and spoke into the microphone for the intercom.

"Steven Days to the main desk, Steven Days,"

I smiled and thanked her.

I saw Steven coming down the hall.

He came up to me.

"So, Chloe is currently being stitched. She lost a lot of blood so she won't wake up for while. Also because of the blood loss, she might have memory loss, not very likely though,"

I felt the tears build up again.

I nodded and he left.

 

_**Lights will guide you home** _

_**And ignite your bones** _

_**And I will try to fix you** _

 

I walked over to the waiting room and sat down.

I let the tears fall as I replay Chloe's message in my head.

_'You may not love me anymore, but I still love you. I always have and I always will. Goodbye Beca,'_

_'You may not love me anymore,'_

The tears were streaming down like a river when a nurse walked in.

"Chloe Beale?"

I instantly stood up and the nurse motioned for me to follow her.

When we got to the door, the nurse stopped me.

"She's asleep right now,"

I nodded and opened the door.

I looked at her face that was so pale and lost it.

A sob escaped my lips as I sat down on the chair next to her.

 

_**Tears stream down your face** _

_**When you lose something you cannot replace** _

_**Tears stream down your face and I** _

 

I buried my face in her stomach.

"I'm so sorry Chloe. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,"

Another sob escaped my lips.

"I'm so sorry,"

I kept apologizing and apologizing.

I stopped when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I looked up and saw Aubrey and Stacie.

I felt my lips quiver and tears burn my eyes all over again.

Stacie came closer and wrapped me in a hug.

I cried into her shoulder and couldn't stop.

"It's all my fault. It's all my fault," I said into her shoulder.

"What do you mean sweetie?" Stacie asked quietly.

"It's my fault she did this,"

"Why do you think so?"

I handed Stacie my phone and played the message.

_'Hey, it's Chloe. I don't know why it took me this long, but it did. It took me this long to see that you don't love me anymore. You barely talk to me, you don't kiss me, you rarely look at me, and you haven't told me you loved me in over two years. I just can't anymore Becs, I can't. I don't know what I did to our relationship, but I'm sorry. If you had told me, I would have tried to fix it. But it doesn't matter anymore. By the time you come home, I'll be gone,'_

_She took a deep breath._

_'You may not love me anymore, but I still love you. I always have and I always will. Goodbye Beca,'_

"I found her clutching a picture of us when I came rushing home,"

I barely got the sentence out when I started crying again.

 

****_Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down your face and I  _

 

It was now night and the nurses were kicking Aubrey and Stacie out, because only one person could stay in the room overnight and they told me I could stay.

As they left, I thanked Stacie for comforting me.

"Anytime," she said as she hugged me.

They left and I sat back down. 

I grabbed Chloe's hand and looked at her.

I felt the tears coming back again.

_'Goddamnit,'_

I let go of her hand and cried into her stomach again.

"I'm so sorry Chlo. I love you, I do. I just... I don't even have an excuse. I'm so sorry, I should have told you I love you. I should've made more time for you. I should've loved you better,"

I kept crying until I felt a hand on my head.

I shot up and saw Chloe looking at me.

"Chlo," I breathed out before hugging her.

"I'm so sorry Chloe. I'm so sorry,"

I sobbed into her shoulder as I kept apologizing.

"Shh, it's okay Becs, it's okay," she said.

"No it's not. How could it be okay? I made you want to kill yourself Chloe. How is that okay?"

"Beca I-" 

"No. I don't even know why I came. Why would you want to see me? You wanted to kill yourself because of me. I- I can't be here right now," I said.

I barely heard her sob as I ran out.

 

**_Lights will guide you home_ **

**_And ignite your bones  
_ **

**_And I will try to fix you_**  

 

 


	3. Hello

**_Hello, it's me_ **

**_I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet_ **

**_To go over everything_ **

 

**Chloe's POV**

_"Hey, it's me. Look I know it's been a month now. And I know I shouldn't have just left you there, but you have to understand. I saw the one person I've ever loved in a hospital, because she tried to commit suicide, because of me. It's a lot to take in. And I couldn't believe you wanted to forgive me, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself. That's what I love about you Chloe, you can literally forgive anyone for anything, but this time you shouldn't have. I still love you, and I always will, no matter what you think or what the voices say. I will always love you. I'm sorry, please call me, I want to apologize face to face,"_

That's the message Beca left me three months ago.

Which was a month after she left me in the hospital.

I didn't pick up the phone, but I listened as she left the voicemail.

I could hear the way her voice cracked and the way she kept stopping to take a deep breath, she was probably trying not to cry.

I just, I don't know how to face her.

I don't know if I can.

 

**_They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing_ **

**_Hello, can you hear me?_ **

**_I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be_ **

**_When we were younger and free_ **

**_I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet_ **

 

I moved to San Francisco as soon as I was released.

I couldn't take being in the same place as Beca and I knew if I went back home to Florida, she'd find me.

So many times, I've dialed her number to call her back, but I've never had the courage to hit the call button.

I've never had the courage to actually talk to her.

_"Hey, so it's been a couple weeks since I called. I'm not sure if you actually want to talk to me or not, but I'm still sorry. You know what my life has been like, I run. I run from everything. I'm not saying that justifies what I did, because it absolutely doesn't, but you deserve an apology. Maybe you don't want to hear it face to face, but I'm sorry nonetheless. I guess I just didn't know how to love someone, because until I met you, I hadn't loved anyone. But you can do better than me, so I don't expect a call or text or anything really, maybe you're not even listening and you're just deleting my messages, but either way, I'm sorry. And I love you. Goodbye Chloe,"_

That was the only other message she'd left me.

She hadn't pushed.

She understood that I needed space.

But maybe I wanted her to push.

Maybe I wanted her to find me.

But everything's changed since then.

 

**_There's such a difference between us_ **

**_And a million miles_ **

**_Hello from the other side_ **

 

After that day, I tried calling her.

At least three times a day for a month, maybe even more, I don't know anymore.

She never answered.

It went to voicemail.

But it wasn't her usual voicemail.

It was one of those automated ones.

Then, the last time I called, it wasn't even a voicemail.

It was a message telling me the number had been disconnected.

So she really did let me go.

She actually thought I could do better than her, when she was the only one to pull me out of my depression and talk me out of my suicide attempt.

**I was walking outside in the rain.**

**Today was the day I was going to do it.**

**Today was the day I was going to kill myself.**

**No one cared.**

**No one ever has.**

**Beca only tried to help because she felt like she had to.**

**She doesn't actually care.**

**I walked to the bridge near Barden.**

**The fall was far enough that there was no chance I'd survive.**

**I was soaked to the bone as tears streamed down my cheeks and lightning struck behind me.**

**I was standing on the ledge when I heard her voice.**

**"Chloe!"**

**I let out a sob the second I heard her yell my name.**

**"Chloe!"**

**I turned my head and looked at her.**

**"Just go Beca, I know you don't care. Nobody does. Just let me die,"**

**I turned back around I stretched out my arms as I let out a dry laugh.**

**I was about to jump when I felt a hand on my wrist.**

**I turned around again and found Beca's eyes full of tears, her cheeks already stained.**

**"How could you think I don't care? How could you think nobody does? Chloe, everyone loves you, Aubrey, Fat Amy, Stacie, the rest of the Bellas, me. We all love you. We all care and if you commit suicide, I wouldn't hesitate to follow, and I'm pretty sure some of the girls wouldn't either. Just come down Chlo,"**

**I sobbed as she spoke and let her pull me down.**

**I buried my face in her neck as I kept sobbing.**

**After a few minutes, Beca pulled away.**

**She moved her hands to my cheeks and moved my head to look at her.**

**"I love you Chloe, and I'll never stop,"**

**She pushed her lips onto mine.**

That was our last kiss that I could remember.

That was when everything started getting better.

I wanted to apologize to her for making her think I gave up, but she never answered and then her number got disconnected.

 

**_I must've called a thousand times_ **

**_To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done_ **

**_But when I call you never seem to be home_ **

**_Hello from the outside_ **

**_At least I can say that I've tried_ **

**_To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart_ **

**_But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart_ **

**_Anymore_ **

 

I gave up on calling her.

She clearly doesn't care anymore.

At least I tried, but she didn't.

She rarely did.

I called her dad once.

_"Hello?"_

_"Hi Mr. Mitchell, it's Chloe,"_

_"Oh, hi Chloe. What can I do for you?"_

_"I was wondering if you've heard from Beca, I've tried calling her, but it says her number got disconnected,"_

_"Oh, yeah, she got a new phone a couple weeks ago, I can give you the number,"_

_"If you don't mind,"_

_"Sure. I'll send you a text,"_

_"Thank you,"_

_"No problem,"_

I hung up and Mr. Mitchell had already texted me the number.

I quickly dialed it as soon as I got it.

It went straight to voicemail.

_"Hey, this is Beca. I'm probably busy, so leave me a message or send me a text. *beeeeep*"_

"Hey, it's me. How are you? I know it took me forever to answer you, but I had to sort through some things. I'm sorry for not calling sooner. I know you think I could do better than you, but I can't, I seriously can't. How could I? You talked me out of suicide and pulled me out of depression. You're the one who can do better. You can do better than some depressed girl who has failed suicide two times. I'm sorry Becs. I guess I'm too late. Anyway, I want you to know that I love you. Even after the message I left six months ago, I still love you. I guess this is goodbye,"

I hung up and threw my phone at the wall as I let out a sob.

 

**_Hello, how are you?_ **

**_It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry_ **

**_I hope that you're well_ **

**_Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?_ **

**_It's no secret that the both of us_ **

**_Are running out of time_ **

 

It's been a week.

I haven't gotten a call or anything.

Not that I expected one.

I was watching TV when my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Chloe, it's Amy,"

"Hey Amy, what's up?"

"I want you and Beca back together, that's what's up,"

"Amy......"

"What?"

"It's not gonna happen, okay? Beca made that clear,"

"What happened?"

"I moved out to San Fran a couple weeks after I was released and she called. I didn't answer because I couldn't face her at that time. She called again a couple weeks later, but I still couldn't face her. Then, two months ago, I called her. Over and over again, but she never answered. Then her number got disconnected and I called her dad. He gave me her new number and I left her a message a week ago. The last message she left, she said goodbye. Amy, we're not getting back together,"

"But you two are meant to be,"

"Yeah, well, if only we had figured that out before,"

I hung up after that.

 

**_Hello from the outside_ **

**_At least I can say that I've tried_ **

**_To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart_ **

**_But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart_ **

**_Anymore, ooooohh_ **

**_Anymore, ooooohh_ **

**_Anymore, ooooohh_ **

**_Anymore, anymore_ **

 

It's been seven months since I tried to kill myself.

About two weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to fight for what me and Beca had.

I wanted to fight for us.

I wanted to fight for love.

So, I bought a plane ticket back to Georgia and packed my bags.

Even if she had given up on us, everyone was back there too, so I was moving back.

Once I got off the plane in Georgia and I was ready to go, I called a cab.

Amy had already told me that Beca stilled lived in our apartment.

Once I got there I told the driver to bring my stuff to Amy's address and I paid him.

I watched as he drove off.

No way to escape now.

I took a deep breath and walked to the door and knocked on it.

The door opened.

 

**_Hello from the other side_ **

**_I must've called a thousand times_ **

**_To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done_ **

**_But when I call you never seem to be home_ **

**_Hello from the outside_ **

**_At least I can say that I've tried_ **

**_To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart_ **

 

**_But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart_ **

**_Anymore_ **

 

 

 

 


	4. Human

_**I can hold my breath** _

_**I can bite my tongue** _

_**I can stay awake for days** _

_**If that's what you want** _

_**Be your number one** _

 

**Beca's POV**

It's been a month.

A whole month since I left Chloe at the hospital.

And it was the worst month of my life since I've met her.

I decided to call her.

_"Hey, it's Chloe. I probably can't get to the phone so leave a message. *_ _beeeep_ _*"_

I took a deep breath and started.

"Hey, it's me. Look I know it's been a month now. And I know I shouldn't have just left you there, but you have to understand. I saw the one person I've ever loved in a hospital, because she tried to commit suicide, because of me. It's a lot to take in. And I couldn't believe you wanted to forgive me, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself. That's what I love about you Chloe, you can literally forgive anyone for anything, but this time you shouldn't have. I still love you, and I always will, no matter what you think or what the voices say. I will always love you. I'm sorry, please call me, I want to apologize face to face,"

I hung up and sighed.

I picked up a photo album on the coffee table in front of me.

I looked through all the pictures.

They were all of me and Chloe throughout the past seven years we've known each other.

From pictures of our first hood night all the way to our first kiss at graduation.

I let the tears fall as I slowly went through the album.

I destroyed everything I had not only with the girl I love, but also with my best friend.

I slammed the book shut as I let out a sob.

I had refrained from calling Chloe just like everybody said, in hopes that she would call.

I hadn't slept in a month because I was waiting for that call.

I let the tears fall as I walked to our room, where there were more pictures of us.

I let out another sob.

I couldn't take it.

I took the pictures off the wall and threw across the room as I screamed and cried.

I didn't deserve someone like Chloe.

How could I?

All I did was hurt her.

I slid down the wall as more sobs racked my body.

Maybe there was a reason Chloe had chosen cutting.

Maybe it did make a difference.

I picked up a piece of broken glass from the frames and brought it to my wrist.

I slowly cut at it and the blood tricked down my arm.

It hurt but not nearly as much as the pain from hurting Chloe.

Eventually I stopped and cleaned off the wounds and picked up the glass and pictures.

There was a knock at the door so I quickly threw the pictures in a drawer and went to answer it.

 

_**I can fake a smile** _

_**I can force a laugh** _

_**I can dance and play the part** _

_**If that's what you ask** _

_**Give you all I am** _

 

I opened the door and plastered a smile on my face.

"Hey Stace," I said when I saw who it was.

"Hey, I just came to check up on you,"

"I'm good. You guys don't have to send someone to check up on me,"

"We know, we just want to make sure you're dealing with this well,"

"As I told all the other Bellas who have come by, I am fine,"

"Okay, if you say so. I guess I'll see you around,"

"Yeah, bye Stace,"

She waved as she walked away.

...

It had been a couple of weeks since I called Chloe.

I guess she didn't want to talk to me, but I had to let her know how sorry I was.

I picked up my phone and dialed her number.

_"Hey, it's Chloe. I probably can't get to the phone so leave a message. *_ _beeeep_ _*"_

"Hey, so it's been a couple weeks since I called. I'm not sure if you actually want to talk to me or not, but I'm still sorry. You know what my life has been like, I run. I run from everything. I'm not saying that justifies what I did, because it absolutely doesn't, but you deserve an apology. Maybe you don't want to hear it face to face, but I'm sorry nonetheless. I guess I just didn't know how to love someone, because until I met you, I hadn't loved anyone. But you can do better than me, so I don't expect a call or text or anything really, maybe you're not even listening and you're just deleting my messages, but either way, I'm sorry. And I love you. Goodbye Chloe,"

I guess she never did forgive me.

I threw my phone at the wall in frustration and it shattered.

I went to the bathroom and pulled out my blade.

Cutting had been my outlet for the past week.

And booze.

And drugs.

Don't ask about the drugs, I somehow came across a drug dealer who sold really cheap.

 

_**I can do it** _

_**I can do it** _

_**I can do it** _

 

It's been three months since I called Chloe.

Three months and my life had been a mess.

I'm either constantly high or drunk, but it's the only thing keeping the pain away.

Keeping me sane.

I was in the bathroom adding to my scars when my phone rang.

I ignored it.

It rang off the hook that day.

On and on and on and on.

Eventually there was a banging sound on the door.

"Beca! open up!" Stacie yelled.

She kept knocking.

"Shawshank, if you don't open the door, I will kick it down!" Fat Amy yelled.

I heard a bunch of agreements.

I quickly dried the blood on my wrists and thighs and ran to the door.

I opened it and fell to the ground.

"Amy! Get off of me!" I yelled.

"Sorry Shawshank,"

She stood up and helped me.

"What do you guys want?" I asked.

"We were calling and you weren't answering," Flo said.

"I was mixing guys. I left my phone in the living room," I pointed to said object.

They all nodded slowly.

"Are we good here? I'd like to get back to my mixing,"

"Actually, we were calling for a reason," Ashley started.

"We've been asked to do a reunion tour," Jessica finished.

"Amy tried calling Chloe, but she hung up on her," Emily said softly.

 

_**But I'm only human** _

**_And I bleed when I fall down_ **

_**I'm only human** _

_**And I crash and I break down** _

_**Your words in my head, knives in my heart** _

_**You build me up and then I fall apart** _

_**'Cause I'm only human** _

 

"I don't know guys," I said quietly.

"Becs, c'mon, it'd be fun!" Stacie exclaimed.

"I can't guys, okay? I just, I can't,"

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed.

When I looked back at the girls, all their mouths were hanging open.

"What?" I asked.

Nobody answered, they only pointed at my arms.

I looked down and saw that my sleeve was at my elbow, not covering my scars.

"Shit," I whispered.

I looked at them and shut and locked the door.

I quickly packed a bag and went out the window and down the fire escape as I heard the girls banging on the door.

I drove to my dad's and knocked.

"Hey Beca, what brings you here?"

"Can I stay here for a while? The girls are trying to force me to go on a reunion tour, but I don't really wanna go, and they won't stop knocking on my door,"

"Yeah sure. And if they pass by, I'll tell them you're somewhere else,"

"Thanks Dad," I said as I pulled him into a hug.

....

It's been six months since I've seen Chloe.

Six months of torture.

The girls went on the tour and have killed every second of it.

I decided to make mixes for them, even if I wasn't going to perform with them.

The amount of empty beer bottle and lines of coke across my apartment are uncountable.

They're everywhere.

I've falling into a routine of drinking, cutting and snorting.

One day is the beer, the next is the blade and then the coke.

Over and over again.

 

_**I can turn it on** _

_**Be a good machine** _

_**I can hold the weight of worlds** _

**_If that's what you need_ **

_**Be your everything** _

_**I can do it** _

_**I can do it** _

_**I'll get through it** _

 

My life is a mess.

I barely talk to anyone.

Like ever.

I no longer talk to my dad.

After I left his place, I went back to my apartment and have stayed there since.

The only contact I have with the Bellas is when I send them mixes for the tour.

They tried to help.

But, it was useless.

They'd always end up mentioning Chloe, which would make things worse.

I lost my job not long before they asked to go on tour, so I have even less reasons to go out.

I was sitting on the couch staring at the blank TV when an idea popped into my head.

Before I got into music, I loved to draw.

I never gave up on it, but I didn't draw as often.

'Maybe that could be a less addictive and harmful escape,' I thought to myself.

I went upstairs and grabbed my sketch book and pencil.

I sat on the bed and drew.

I drew whatever came to mind and whatever I felt.

I kept drawing until it was dark out.

I threw my pencil next to me and went back to the first drawing.

I slowly looked through everything I had drawn.  
  


**_But I'm only human_ **

**_And I bleed when I fall down_ **

_**I'm only human** _

_**And I crash and I break down** _

**_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_ **

**_You build me up and then I fall apart_ **

**_'Cause I'm only human_ **

 

Each and every drawing related back to Chloe in some way.

The first one was me and Chloe in the showers, with 'I am titanium' written above it.

The second was of all the girls in my dorm room waiting for me when my dad bailed me out.

The third one was all the Bellas in the pool when we sang 'Just The way You Are' and 'Just A Dream'.

The fourth was our group picture after winning the ICCA's the first time.

The fifth was the when we won the World's.

The sixth was graduation.

The seventh was mine and Chloe's first kiss.

The eighth was the cup I used to audition for the Bellas.

The ninth was a ladybug, like the tattoo Chloe has.

The tenth was Chloe lying on the floor of our room clutching a picture of us.

And the eleventh was what I used to hope would happen.

It was me and Chloe kissing in wedding dresses, with 'We are titanium' written above us.

 

_**I'm only human** _

_**I'm only human** _

_**Just a little human** _

 

It's officially been seven months.

Over the past month, I've cleaned up.

I stopped drinking.

I stopped buying coke.

And I stopped cutting.

Every time I feel like doing any of those things, I grab my sketch book and draw.

It helps.

It kinda just lets me get everything out.

I still relapse on cutting sometimes, but I'm doing better.

I still look horrible though.

The bags under my eyes are still visible.

My eyes are always blood shot.

I'm so skinny my ribs are almost showing.

And the scars are still pink and healing.

But I'm getting there.

 

_**I can take so much** _

**_'Til I've had enough_ **

 

I was going over all the drawings I'd made in the past month when there was a knock at the door.

I took another look at the last drawing and closed the book before walking to the door.

I opened the door and saw the unmistakably familiar red hair.

 

**_'Cause I'm only human_ **

**_And I bleed when I fall down_ **

**_I'm only human_ **

**_And I crash and I break down_ **

**_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_ **

**_You build me up and then I fall apart_ **

**_'Cause I'm only human_ **


	5. Photograph

**_Loving can hurt_ **

**_Loving can hurt sometimes_ **

**_But it's the only thing that I know_ **

 

**Chloe's POV**

"Beca," I breathed out after a minute of silence.

She looked at me and then closed the door in my face.

I knocked on the door.

"Becs, please,"

"Go away,"

"Bec-"

"I said go away,"

I sighed and walked to the sidewalk before sitting down.

I waited.

And waited.

It started raining after a while, but I stayed.

I wanted her to know that I'd wait. That I wouldn't give up.

I knew she was watching me. I could feel it.

I looked up at the sky and pulled out a cigarette.

I had started smoking a while ago.

I rolled it between my fingers.

I never lit it; it just kind of calmed my mind.

I so desperately wanted to march over there and knock the door down.

But I knew I couldn't.

Beca wasn't ready.

 

**_When it gets hard_ **

**_You know it can get hard sometimes_ **

**_It is the only thing that makes us feel alive_ **

 

I stayed out in the rain.

I called Amy and told her not to worry.

It was actually kind of nice.

It was like the rain was washing away everything that had happened.

I threw the unlit cigarette to the ground.

I stood up and stretched before lying on the sidewalk, watching how the stars slowly lit up the sky through the rain.

I watched as every star appeared, barely shining through the dark clouds, but trying anyway.

I took a deep breath and smiled a little.

This reminded me of a date with Beca.

We had gone to the park and looked at the stars all night.

It was a simpler time.

Nicer.

Better.

There was more love between us.

It was a time when we made good memories.

And as I watched the stars, every bad thing that happened slowly slipped away.

 

**_We keep this love in a photograph_ **

**_We made these memories for ourselves_ **

**_Where our eyes are never closing_ **

**_Hearts are never broken_ **

**_Times forever frozen still_ **

 

I slowly closed my eyes and tightened my jacket around me.

I pictured all the good times I had with Beca.

All the fun times.

The ones where neither of us could stop smiling.

Those little moments we'd never forget.

Our first kiss was obviously the first thing I saw.

I remember how surprised I was.

Beca had never initiated physical contact.

Like ever.

**All the girls had been hugging and smiling.**

**And Beca marched right over to me.**

**She looked determined, so I had cocked my head to the side, wondering why.**

**She kept walking and grabbed me by the cheeks and smashed out lips together.**

Then it was the time I made Beca go to a karaoke bar.

That one was fun.

**It was a Saturday night, and we had nothing to do.**

**So I suggested we go to a karaoke bar.**

**I thought it would be fun, but Beca didn't think so.**

**I had just grabbed her hand and dragged her to the car.**

**"I don't understand why you want to go to a karaoke bar. I mean seriously why?"**

**"'Cause it'll be fun,"**

**"No it won't,"**

**We pulled up at a red light.**

**I smirked and looked at her before moving to whisper in her ear.**

**"I let you do whatever you want with me when we get home,"**

**She gulped and nodded.**

**When we actually got to the bar though, she had gone full out.**

**She was singing stuff you'd never think Beca Mitchell would sing.**

**Songs like Black Magic by Little Mix and Baby by Justin Bieber.**

That was one of the most fun nights.

The next was our first Halloween as a couple.

Beca, being the party pooper she is, didn't want to go to the party.

But, I had made a deal that she could pick our costumes if she went.

I thought she'd make me dress as something ridiculous or something sexy, but no.

She actually picked a couple's costume.

**"You have two choices Beale. One or the other. No other option. Unless you wanna stay here,"**

**"Okay, fine. What are your ideas?"**

**She leaned in and whispered her ideas.**

**"Really, you think I don't like either of those ideas?"**

**"No, I know you like both of them. But you have to pick one," she replied with a smirk.**

**And that was how we ended up dressing up as Mulder and Scully from X-Files.**

**Beca being Mulder was hysterical because she was way too short, but oh well.**

**It was the most fun we had had at a party in long time.**

The next best thing was Stacie's birthday.

That was amazing.

Obviously, since it was Stacie's birthday we went to a club.

But what Beca did at the club, surprised everyone.

Especially since she really hadn't wanted to go in the first place.

**"Alright guys, drinks on me!" Fat Amy yelled, "My boy friends will pay for everything!"**

**We all cheered and walked in.**

**After a few rounds of shots, Stacie suggested we all go dancing.**

**Surprisingly, Beca agreed.**

**We all shrugged and made our way to the dance floor.**

**What none of knew, was that Beca had moves, and like killer moves.**

**We were so good dancing together that by the end of the second song, everyone was watching us.**

**And then everyone was shouting for a lap dance.**

**Beca smirked and told someone to get her chair.**

**Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting on a chair and Beca was straddling me.**

**She leaned down and whispered in my ear.**

**"Try not to enjoy this too much,"**

**She turned and told someone to tell the DJ to play Titanium.**

That was both terrifying and amazing at the same time.

Finding out your girlfriend's secret skills in the middle of a club.

But man, could she move.

 

**_So you can keep me_ **

**_Inside the pocket_ **

**_Of your ripped jeans_ **

**_Holdin' me closer_ **

**_'Til our eyes meet_ **

**_You won't ever be alone_ **

**_Wait for me to come home_ **

 

I don't know what I did.

I ruined everything when I tried to commit suicide.

Beca won't let me forgive her, so I lost everything.

Everything that mattered to me.

I felt my eyes burning and knew I was gonna end up crying.

I quickly covered my eyes and sighed.

Why was it so goddamn hard to do anything right.

My parents hated.

My brother hated me.

My sister hated me.

My grandparents hated me.

My aunts and uncles hated me.

All the Bellas hated me except Amy, because she says, and I quote, "You've always been my favorite flat butt,"

And now, I ruined everything with Beca.

I let the tears fall as the rain picked up, muting my sobs.

I lay there, drowning in my pain and the rain, when I felt someone pick me up.

I tried fighting them off, but their grip just tightened.

"For fuck's sake Chlo, calm down,"

I instantly calmed down at the voice.

"But you hate me," I mumbled.

"You gave up on us," I added quietly.

She stopped dead in her tracks and put me down.

I was sure she was going to leave me there.

"Hey. I could never hate you, okay? Never. I've always loved you and I always will. And as for giving up on us. I tried calling. Okay? I called you and told you everything. But you never called me back,"

"I did call you back Beca. So many fucking times. Then your number got disconnected and I called your dad to get your new one. So do not tell me that I never called you back,"

"What? I-I never... I didn't-"

"Yeah, because on your last message you said goodbye. I guess you meant it,"

I wiped my tears and let out a dry laugh as I turned and walked away.

"Chloe!"

"Chloe, goddammit!"

"Why do you care? You wanted me to go away anyway,"

"Chloe! Would you stop and listen for a minute!"

I stopped, but never turned around.

"I didn't want to say goodbye, okay? I thought you gave up on me because you never called me after my first message. I never got apologize properly,"

I turned and looked at her.

"I never meant to hurt you Chlo. I'd rather die than hurt you,"

 

**_Loving can heal_ **

**_Loving can mend your soul_ **

**_And it's the only thing that I know (know)_ **

**_I swear it will get easier_ **

**_Remember that with every piece of ya_ **

**_And it's the only thing we take with us when we die_ **

 

"I love you Chloe," she whispered.

I frowned and hugged her as sobs racked my body.

"C'mon, let's get you inside," she said.

She pulled me inside and took me to the bathroom before stripping and throwing me into the shower.

I hissed at how hot it felt and went to get out when Beca stopped me.

"Nope, you need to get warm,"

I looked at her and my mouth hung open.

Her eyes were bloodshot and looked sunken in.

There were bags under them and her hair looked lifeless.

The shirt she was wearing barely clung to her body.

"Bec-"

"Don't. It isn't your fault, okay? This is on me," she said gesturing to her body.

I nodded as she took off her shirt and pant before jumping into the shower.

I gasped as I saw how skinny she was.

So skinny, you could see her ribs.

 

**_We keep this love in this photograph_ **

**_We made these memories for ourselves_ **

**_Where our eyes are never closing_ **

**_Our hearts were never broken_ **

**_Times forever frozen still_ **

 

She took my hands in hers and pulled me closer until our lips met.

I let go of her hands and wrapped my arms around her neck and pulled her even closer.

I felt her smile into the kiss as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

I pulled back and pressed our foreheads together.

"I love you Beca,"

"I don't know how you do. But I love you too,"

She smiles even wider than me before reconnecting our lips.

 

**_So you can keep me_ **

**_Inside the pocket_ **

**_Of your ripped jeans_ **

**_Holdin' me closer_ **

**_'Til our eyes meet_ **

**_You won't ever be alone_ **

 

The next day, when I woke up, Beca wasn't anywhere to be found.

I sat up and noticed a paper on her pillow.

_'I just needed some fresh air, don't worry. I'll be back soon. Love, Beca'_

I smiled before going outside for a cigarette.

Beca got back as I was throwing my cigarette butt on the ground.

"You know that's bad for you right?" she said.

"Yeah well..." I trailed off.

"Chlo, I... I just wanted to say sorry for what I put you through. I'm so sorry,"

"Hey. It's okay. I know you didn't mean to. These past seven months have given me a lot of time to think. And I obviously know it didn't mean to. You were swamped with work. Don't worry about it,"

"But I do worry. I worry that I'm gonna do it again, whether I mean to or not. I'm afraid that I'm gonna make you think I don't love you again,"

"You could never do that Becs. Just like I'd never give up on us,"

"I just, I... I don't, want to be the reason you cut or hurt yourself. I don't want you to torture yourself over me,"

I pulled her into a hug and ran my fingers through her hair.

"Never again, Becs, never again,"

 

**_And if you hurt me_ **

**_That's OK, baby, only words bleed_ **

**_Inside these pages you just hold me_ **

**_And I won't ever let you go_ **

 

**_Wait for me to come home_ **

**_Wait for me to come home_ **

**_Wait for me to come home_ **

**_Wait for me to come home_ **

 

I hold as if she was the only thing keeping me alive.

She was though.

I couldn't live without Beca.

She helped me through depression, talked me out of suicide and saved me when I was actually prepared to die.

She was literally the only thing keeping me here.

The only thing worth living for.

She was the only person that loved me.

Besides Amy.

But that was a friend love.

All the other Bellas hated me because I hurt Beca by leaving.

And I don't blame them.

My family hates me because I wasn't what they wanted.

They wanted a boy, who was straight.

But instead they got a girl who was gay.

If Beca ever hated me, I don't think I'd be able to live.

"What are you thinking about?" the voice brought me out of my trance,

"Hmm? Nothing important,"

Beca nodded and pulled me inside.

"Let's cuddle," she said with a smirk.

I smiled at her and pulled her to the room before wrapping us in the blankets on the bed.

"I love you Becs. And I always will, no matter what happens, or what you do,"

 

**_Oh you can fit me_ **

**_Inside the necklace you got when you were 16_ **

**_Next to your heartbeat_ **

**_Where I should be_ **

**_Keep it deep within your soul_ **

 

**_And if you hurt me_ **

**_Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed_ **

**_Inside these pages you just hold me_ **

**_And I won't ever let you go_ **

 

"I love you too Chlo,"

"Good because you'll always be stuck with me,"

"I think I can live with that,"

I pulled her closer and buried my face in her neck.

"Hey Chlo, I wanna show you something. It isn't the biggest thing ever, but yeah..." Beca whispered.

I pulled back and looked at her.

"What is it?"

"While you were gone, I turned back to drawing to forget, and before you knocked on my door, I was looking through all of them, I wanted you to see them,"

I smiled at her and nodded.

She got up and picked up a sketch book.

I slowly opened the book and went through it.

The first drawing was me and Beca in the shower with 'I am titanium' written across the top. Everything was black and white.

The second was all of the Bellas waiting in Beca's dorm when she was arrested and her dad bailed her out. I was the only one in color.

The third was all of us in the pool when Aubrey handed the reigns to Beca and we sang in the pool. Again, I was the only one in color.

The fourth was all of us on stage hugging and holding our trophy after we won the ICCA's for the first time. Me and Beca were in color this time.

The fifth was when we won the World's. Nothing was colored except me and Beca.

The sixth was graduation. Only I was colored, in my green gown.

The seventh was our first kiss. We were both in color, with the colors splattering around us.

The eighth was the cup Beca used to audition. It was in black and white.

The ninth was ladybug, just like my tattoo. There wasn't a single color.

The tenth was me and Beca doing a duet at the karaoke bar. And again, color was splattering around us.

The eleventh was us dressed as Scully and Mulder with 'I WANT TO BELIEVE' written above us. And if you looked in the back, you could see the Cigarette Smoking Man. We were the only thing with color, mostly blue, but still.

I let out laugh and flipped to the next one.

It was Beca straddling me on a chair in a sea of people. Stacie's birthday. Again, only me and Beca were colored.

The thirteenth was me. On the floor. Clutching a picture. The only color was red, for the blood.

The last picture was me and Beca. In white dresses, kissing, with 'We are titanium' written above us. Everything was colored.

 

**_When I'm away_ **

**_I will remember how you kissed me_ **

**_Under the lamppost_ **

**_Back on 6th street_ **

**_Hearing you whisper through the phone,_ **

**_"Wait for me to come home."_ **

 


	6. Do I Wanna Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The previous chapter is a 'happy ending' where Chloe and Beca end up together. If you read from this chapter on, I back track a little and make it so Beca doesn’t want to talk to Chloe. I edited the end of ‘Human’ (chapter 4) so it will make sense for the following chapters. Anyway, it will end happily, just not with Beca and Chloe together. Enjoy.

***  
It's officially been seven months.

Over the past month, I've cleaned up.

I stopped drinking.

I stopped buying coke.

And I stopped cutting.

Every time I feel like doing any of those things, I grab my sketch book and draw.

It helps.

It kinda lets me get everything out.

I still relapse on cutting sometimes, but I'm doing better.

I still look horrible though.

The bags under my eyes are still visible.

My eyes are blood shot.

I'm so skinny my ribs are almost showing.

And the scars are still pink and healing.

But I'm getting there.

 

**_I can take so much_ **

**_'Til I've had enough_ **

 

Stacie was over; she's the only one I let into my apartment.

She comes over whenever I have the urge to drink or get high, and I know I can't stop myself.

She comes whenever I can't trust myself.

And a lot of the time, I end up breaking down, after everything I've done.

I was showing Stacie all the drawings I'd made in the past month when there was a knock at the door.

I took another look at the last drawing and closed the book.

Stacie got up and went to the door, with me not far behind.

She opened the door and I saw the unmistakably familiar red hair.

She protectively put an arm around me as I stared at the girl in the doorway.

"Chloe," I said quietly.

***

**_Have you got colour in your cheeks?_ **

**_Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift_ **

**_The type that sticks around like something in your teeth?_ **

 

**Chloe's POV**

I hear the door open and look up.

I see Stacie, and she puts her arm around Beca, who's eyes are bloodshot.

"Chloe," she says quietly.

"Beca, I... Can we talk?" I ask in return.

She shakes her head as tears slowly pool in her eyes.

She turns and buries her face in Stacie's neck.

"I think you should go," Stacie says quietly.

I nod and turn around, walking away, my head hanging low.

I hear the door close and collapse to the ground, sobs racking my body.

_'She's probably dating Stacie now. She was there to pick up the broken pieces that you created'_

_'Yeah. You never called her back, she wasn't going to wait around'_

_'They've probably all forgotten about you too'_

_'Or they all hate you'_

I hold my head as the voices get louder.

_'Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she just felt bad because you wanted to die'_

_'She pitied you'_

_'She just moved on to Stacie, like you meant nothing'_

_'You've never meant anything'_

I scream as the voices keep talking, tears falling down my face.

I hear a crack of thunder and look up at the sky.

Rain begins to fall and soon, that's all I can see.

 

_**Are there some aces up your sleeve?** _

_**Have you no idea that you're in deep?** _

**_I dreamt about you nearly every night this week_ **

_**How many secrets can you keep?** _

 

She really did give up on us.

Maybe they were right.

She never loved me.

How could she?

I look back at the apartment window and see a figure.

I frown as more tears stream down my face.

I stand up and let out a dry laugh and wiped at my eyes.

"Did you ever love me? Or was that just pity at the hospital? Did you even give a damn if I was gonna die or not?" I yelled at the window.

The figure stayed in the window.

"Was Stacie better than me? Is that why you left? Is that why? I wasn't good enough anymore?"

The figure just stayed there.

"I wish it was you Beca! Not me! I wish it was you that was there, lifeless on the floor, clutching onto a picture as you bled out. I wish you were dead!" I yelled.

The figure suddenly staggered backwards and closed the curtains.

I sighed and hummed a song that had been stuck in my head.

It made me think of the good times between me and Beca.

 

**_'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat_ **

**_Until I fall asleep_ **

**_Spilling drinks on my settee_ **

 

I hear a door shut behind me and heavy footsteps.

I feel a hand enclose around my shoulder and spin around.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Stacie says through gritted teeth.

"What's wrong with me? Don't you know already? I'm just some suicidal chick that no one cares about. No one has ever cared, and no one ever will. It's just fate really, so why don't you go take care of your girlfriend?" I say with a smile.

"You wanna know why no one cares? Because everyone wishes you had died that night," Stacie retaliated.

Her eyes widened and she slapped a hand over her mouth.

"I didn't, I-Chlo..." she started.

"See? I told you. No one cares about me,"

I smiled at her and walked away.

I walked all the way to Amy's.

I knocked on the door quietly.

I heard footsteps before the door flew open.

"Hey, Chloe. You could have just come in," Amy side stepped to let me in.

"I need my stuff," I said quickly.

"What?"

"I need my stuff. I'm going home. Back to San Francisco,"

"Why?"

"Because this was a mistake,"

"What do you mean?"

"She's moved on Amy. She forgot about me. I shouldn't have even come,"

Amy nodded and went to get my stuff.

She came back down and helped me load it into a cab.

"I'll miss you Chloe," she said.

"I'll miss you too," I said as the cab drove away.

 

**_(Do I wanna know)_ **

**_If this feeling flows both ways?_ **

_**(Sad to see you go)** _

**_Was sort of hoping that you'd stay_ **

**_(Baby we both know)_ **

**_That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day_ **

 

I've been back in California for a month now.

Stacie had called me fifty million times, but every time, I let it go to voicemail.

And every voicemail is something along the lines of 'I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Please call me back.'

Amy has called too, but I never answered.

Too many memories from when everyone was nice to me.

I'm doing better, though, I've met a group of girls, they're pretty cool.

I deleted all my social media, except my YouTube channel, my followers wouldn't let me.

I posted a cover every week, and apparently they all loved me.

I took a sip of my vodka as I set up the camera.

I pointed to where I was going to sit before I took another long sip.

I sat on my bed and started a recording.

"Hey, guys. This one's Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys, hope you like it,"

I slowly got lost in the songs and the lyrics.

" _ **Crawling back to you**_

**_Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?_ **

**_'Cause I always do_ **

_**Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new** _

**_Now I've thought it through_ **

**_Crawling back to you_** ,"

I felt tears burn my cheeks.

I wiped at my eyes as I continued singing.

As soon as the music ended, I stopped the recording and took a deep breath.

Why couldn't I just let her go?

When clearly she's moved on.

Why couldn't I just let go and forget.

Just like she did.

Why was I was always crawling back to her?

Whether literally or not, I always crawled back.

She had that power over me.

I fell that hard for her.

I sighed and stood up.

I took another swig of my drink before dismantling my camera and posting the video.

I sat back on the bed and stared at my laptop.

I could slowly see the views going up and my video.

Some people cared.

_'Or maybe they just like your voice'_

_'Yeah. Why would anyone actually care?'_

_'They don't even know you'_

I groan in frustration and get up.

I go out to the balcony and take out a cigarette.

I sigh as it slowly burns itself out.

Beca was worse than nicotine, at least, I thought she was.

I step back inside and pick up the phone.

I dial Beca's number, but I know she won't pick up.

_"Hey, this is Beca. I'm probably busy, so leave me a message or send me a text. *beeeeep*"_

"Hey, I know it's probably Stacie listening to this. You know, to make sure I'm not saying anything to throw you off. Not that I blame you. Look, Stacie. Just, please, either let Beca listen to this or pass on a general recap of what I'm about to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving, but you left first. I was trying to forgive you, and you just left. And then, you gave up on us, and, I thought we had a chance if I fought. But, you've moved on, and I guess it's time I did too. I'm sorry for what I said that night. I don't wish it was you. I wish it was me. And I wish you hadn't come home. I wish you had been too late, and I was dead. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with you, because it hurts so much seeing you cry because of me. So, I'm sorry for everything Beca. I'm sorry I wasn't worth it, and I hope Stacie takes care of you. I love you Beca, but I guess this is the end of our story. Goodbye,"

I hung up and let the tears fall.

I let myself fall backwards until I was staring at the ceiling, and I cried myself to sleep.

 

_**So have you got the guts?** _

**_Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts_ **

**_Simmer down and pucker up_ **

**_I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you_ **

**_I don't know if you feel the same as I do_ **

**_But we could be together if you wanted to_ **

 

It's been four months since I called Beca.

And everything is good.

A lot better than I thought they'd be.

I'm now great friends with those girls that I met, and I'm dating someone now.

There's Sarah, the rebel.

The badass, who 'hates' emotions, but will beat the shit out of anyone that tries to hurt us.

Then there's Alison.

The complete opposite of Sarah.

The good girl who just wants everyone to be happy, and listens to all the rules.

There's also Cosima.

Weird name, I know.

Anyway, she's the learning obsessed geek.

Not that I mean that in a mean way, because she's really cool.

She loves science and has this thing for a French girl that just moved in next door from her apartment.

There's Helena too.

We don't see her very often though.

Her Dad's really strict about her going out.

She's cool though.

A little on the weird side because she grew up in a different culture, but still cool.

And then there's Shay.

She's the one I'm dating.

She's really sweet.

She's into holistic healing.

She knows about everything that's happened.

And she makes sure that I know she cares.

She's always open to cuddling, she always makes sure I'm okay, and she tells me she loves me all the time.

I think I'm finally moving on from Beca.

Anyway, we were doing our regular movie night at Cosima's when my phone rang.

"Shit, sorry guys. I'll be back in a sec,"

I get up and answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Chloe, it's Stacie,"

I hang up the phone and turn it off before going back to the couch.

"Who was it?" Shay asked before cuddling into my side.

"Just some wrong number," I replied, throwing an arm around her shoulders.

"Could you two shut your bloody mouths?" Sarah said.

We both let out a laugh as we put our hands up in mock surrender.

...

Me and Shay decided to go on a picnic.

We were walking up the hill in the park to set up when she stopped and turned to me.

"Hey Chlo," she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I love you,"

She kissed my cheek before she continued up the hill.

I smiled and followed her.

It was dark out, because we wanted to watch the stars.

"Do you ever wonder about just how many stars there really are?" I ask quietly.

"Sometimes," Shay replied.

"Do you have a favorite one?"

"Yeah, and I get to call her my girlfriend," she replied with a huge grin.

I blushed and looked down as she grabbed my hand.

"I love you Chloe,"

"I love you too Shay,"

We were just looking at each other when suddenly water fell over us.

I screamed at how cold it was.

We got up and turned around to find Sarah rolling on the floor laughing.

Then we saw Cosima, coming up the hill.

"I tried to stop her, I really did. She's too fast!" Cosima yelled, catching her breath.

We just stared at Sarah, who couldn't stop laughing.

"Sarah, why do you have to be so mean. They never go on dates, and you just ruined it," Alison said, coming up the hill.

Sarah quickly composed herself and looked at us.

"Because it's who I am, and your lives would be boring without me,"

I looked at Shay and we both started laughing.

"You're right, but please, go with something a little less cold next time," I said.

"Yes, your majesty," she replied while bowing.

We all laughed and decided to leave after that.

 

**_(Do I wanna know?)_ **

**_If this feeling flows both ways?_ **

**_(Sad to see you go)_ **

**_Was sort of hoping that you'd stay_ **

**_(Baby we both know)_ **

**_That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day_ **

 

I keep getting calls from Stacie, or Amy.

But I keep ignoring them.

"Babe, are you gonna get that?" Shay asked.

"No," I replied quietly.

"Why not?"

"It's just some people from back home, who I really don't want to talk to,"

"Why not just block them?"

"I've tried, they just call from another number, so now, I can't block any new numbers,"

"We could get you a new phone. With a new number,"

"Not a bad idea. Let's do that,"

I go online and find the perfect phone, before ordering it.

"There, should be here within two days,"

I sit on the couch and cuddle into Shay.

"I love you, you know that right?" she said.

I nod my head.

"I love you too Shay,"

I just stared at her.

Her smile, the one that calms me down in any situation.

Her eyes, that I could get lost in.

It sounds so cliché, but it's true.

"What?" Shay asked as she noticed I was staring.

"I just, I never thought someone would love me, or I would love someone after everything that's happened. I... I'm glad though," I replied quietly.

Shay smiled and I ducked my head as I blushed.

She slowly cupped my chin and pushed my head up.

"Not as glad as me though," she said, before kissing me.

I smile into the kiss, and pull her closer.

We pull away and rest our foreheads together.

I was about to say something when our apartment door flew open.

"Hello friends, we are here to enjoy a party," Sarah yelled.

"You could call, you know. Just once," I say.

"Live spontaneously," she replied.

She put down the drinks she brought as everyone else filled in.

"Hey, Chlo, hope you don't mind, but I brought a friend," Alison said quietly.

"I don't mind. The more the merrier,"

"Well, this is Beth,"

I smiled at her and was about to say 'Hi' when Cosima interrupted.

"Look who I found!" she yelled.

I turned and saw she had brought Helena.

Everyone cheered and soon, we were all having drinks.

...

I've had more than a few drinks, and right now, everyone is asleep.

Except me.

I just have this gnawing feeling that I should call Beca.

And that's why for the past twenty minutes I've been staring at my phone, with my thumb hovering over the call button.

But she hasn't called me, so why should I call her?

Or maybe, she's waiting for me to call.

Just as I'm about to press call, I feel someone move beside me.

I look down and see Shay, a small smile on her lips.

I smile at her and close my phone.

Why would I call Beca, when I have everything I need here?

 

**_Crawling back to you (crawling back to you)_ **

_**Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? (you've had a few)** _

**_'Cause I always do ('cause I always do)_ **

**_Maybe I'm too (maybe I'm too busy) busy being yours to fall for somebody new_ **

**_Now I've thought it through_ **

**_Crawling back to you_ **

 

It's been another five months now.

I haven't seen or talked to anyone from Barden in nine months.

I've barely thought about them.

I haven't even talked to Aubrey.

I'm pretty sure she hates me as much as the rest of them do.

But, it doesn't matter. 

I have new friends.

Ones that actually care.

"What are you thinking about?" Shay asked, while intertwining our fingers.

"Nothing important," I reply with a smile.

"Good, because I have an awesome day planned for us," 

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. And it's gonna be super cool. Sarah even promised not to ruin any of it,"

I smiled and kissed her.

"As long as I'm with you, it'll be great," I said.

She smiled and kissed me again.

"Now get ready, we're starting with breakfast,"

I get up and go into the closet.

"Casual or...?" I ask.

"Casual," she replied.

I quickly got dressed and met Shay at the door.

We walked to the car and she opened my door for me.

"Why thank you m'lady," I said with a giggle.

"Anything for you, your majesty," she replied while bowing.

 

_**(Do I wanna know?)** _

**_If this feeling flows both ways?_ **

**_(Sad to see you go)_ **

_**Was sort of hoping that you'd stay** _

**_(Baby we both know)_ **

**_That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day_ **

 

After a day of shopping and exploring the city, we came home and decided to watch some movies.

Between the first and second movie, there was a knock at the door.

"I got it," I say as I go over to answer it.

As I'm walking to it, there's another knock.

"Just a minute," I yell.

I slowly open the door and come face to face with Beca.

We just stare at each other for a few minutes.

"Chloe..." she says quietly.

Then, I hear footsteps behind me.

"Babe, who is it?" Shay asks.

I look back and smile at her, as she comes over and kisses my cheek.

"Uh, this is Be-" I start, but when I turn around, she's not there anymore.

 

_**(Do I wanna know?)** _

**_Too busy being yours to fall_ **

_**(Sad to see you go)** _

**_Ever thought of calling darling?_ **

**_(Do I wanna know?)_ **

_**Do you want me crawling back to you?** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I ran out of characters, and I was too lazy to come up with some OCs. I used some characters from Orphan Black, if you wanna get a general idea of what they look like, just google their names, plus 'Orphan Black'. And also, let's pretend they're not clones.
> 
> Also, just so you know, in case you don't watch Orphan Black, Sarah is British, Alison never says anything remotely close to swearing (not even 'shit' or 'hell') and Cosima says 'man' and 'dude', as well as 'hella'. Just so you get an idea on their speech patterns.
> 
> And, I've introduced Helena, Beth and the 'French girl' because I might use them in the coming chapters, but I'm not sure. Hope you all enjoyed.


	7. When I Was Your Man

_**Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now** _

_**Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same** _

_**When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down** _

_**'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name** _   
  


 

**Beca's** **POV**

"Beca, I... Can we talk?" Chloe asked.

I shook my head as tears started pooling in my eyes.

I never thought I'd see her again.

I buried my head in Stacie's neck.

"I think you should go," Stacie said.

Stacie lead me back into the house and shut the door.

I walked up to my room and shut the door, sliding down the back.

I didn't want her to go.

I wanted to talk to her.

But it was too overwhelming.

I looked out the window as it started raining.

I walked over and looked outside.

I saw Chloe on the ground.

She spotted me and stood up.

"Did you ever love me? Or was that just pity at the hospital? Did you even give a damn if I was gonna die or not?"she yelled.

I stayed still, she probably needed to get some stuff off her chest.

"Was Stacie better than me? Is that why you left? Is that why? I wasn't good enough anymore?"

I deserved that one, the way I buried my face in Stacie's neck, obviously she'd get that impression.

I still stayed there though.

"I wish it was you Beca! Not me! I wish it was you that was there, lifeless on the floor, clutching onto a picture as you bled out. I wish you were dead!" she yelled.

I staggered backwards at that one.

Chloe had never been one to say anything even remotely mean towards me.

I wasn't expecting that.

Suddenly I hear the door leading outside open.

I looked and saw Stacie marching towards Chloe.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Stacie asked.

"What's wrong with me? Don't you know already? I'm just some suicidal chick that no one cares about. No one has ever cared, and no one ever will. It's just fate really, so why don't you go take care of your girlfriend?" Chloe replied with a smile.

"You wanna know why no one cares? Because everyone wishes you had died that night," Stacie retaliated.

Her eyes widened and she slapped a hand over her mouth.

"I didn't, I-Chlo..." she started.

"See? I told you. No one cares about me,"

Chloe smiled and walked away.  
  


 

**_It all just sounds like_ ** **_oooooh_ ** **_..._ **

_**Mmm** _ _**, too young, too dumb to realize** _

**_That I should've bought you flowers_ **

_**And held your hand** _

_**Should've gave you all my hours** _

**_When I had the chance_ **   
  


 

I haven't talked to Stacie in a month.

Not after what she said to Chloe.

She keeps trying to call, but I never pick up.

I don't care what she has to say.

I saw Chloe's cover of 'Do I Wanna Know?' and almost started crying too.

I mean, she probably still thought that I never loved her.

I got her call.

But I didn't pick up.

I just listened to her voicemail.

_"Hey, I know it's probably Stacie listening to this. You know, to make sure I'm not saying anything to throw you off. Not that I blame you. Look, Stacie. Just, please, either let Beca listen to this or pass on a general recap of what I'm about to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving, but you left first. I was trying to forgive you, and you just left. And then, you gave up on us, and, I thought we had a chance if I fought. But, you've moved on, and I guess it's time I did too. I'm sorry for what I said that night. I don't wish it was you. I wish it was me. And I wish you hadn't come home. I wish you had been too late, and I was dead. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with you, because it hurts so much seeing you cry because of me. So, I'm sorry for everything Beca. I'm sorry I wasn't worth it, and I hope Stacie takes care of you. I love you Beca, but I guess this is the end of our story. Goodbye,"_

I let out a sob at the end of her message.

She seriously thought I had moved on, and was prepared to do so herself.

I don't blame her.

She deserves better.

She deserves someone who won't let work consume them and ruin their relationship.

She deserves someone who'll tel her that they love her everyday.

Someone who will cherish their cuddle session and the small smile she gets when they kiss her cheek.

Someone who doesn't cut.

Someone who isn't considered an alcoholic and junkie.

She deserves everything that's the opposite of me.

My phone rang and I looked at the caller ID.

It was Amy.

She was probably going to yell at me for making Chloe leave.

I didn't feel like talking to her though, so I let it go to voicemail and listened to the message.

_"Beca, I don't know what you did. But you ruined your last chance. She's convinced you've moved on and that you don't love her any more. She beat herself up because she thought she hurt her, even after what you put her through. She could never stop caring about you, no matter what you do. But she's gone now. If you ever want to talk to her, just call me and I'll give you her address,"_

I knew she was right.

I ruined everything.

I was too obsessed with work, I forgot about the greatest thing in my life.  
  
  
  


**_Take you to every party_ **

**_'Cause all you wanted to do was dance_ **

**_Now my baby's dancing_ **

**_But she's dancing with another man_ **   
  


 

It's been four months since Chloe called.

She hasn't called back, not that I expected anything.

Amy has called a couple times, asking if I want Chloe's address or not, but every time I say no.

I'm not worth her time.

Stacie had called too.

Non-stop.

I blocked her number and she just called from another phone.

The last message was her apologizing about what she said to Chloe.

_"Beca, I know what I said to Chloe was out of line, but please talk to me. I just need to know that you're okay. I never should have said that to her. And I'm sorry I did, but she hurt you Beca, I was just looking out for my friend,"_

I grabbed my phone and sent out one simple text.

_'It's not me you have to apologize to'_

I haven't responded to her calls or texts since.

I mostly ignore them.

I've been drawing more and more now.

Stopping the cutting isn't for Chloe anymore, it's for me.

I drew what it would be like if everything had gone how it was supposed to.

How it would have been if we stayed together and I treated her right.

If we had stayed in love forever.

I was adding to my drawings when my phone rang.

It was Stacie again.

I hit the dismiss button and heard the voicemail pick up.

_"Beca. She won,t even answer me anymore. She literally hung up on me not five minutes ago. How do I apologize when she won't let me?"_

_'Not my problem'_ I thought to myself.

I sighed and heard a knock at the door.

'Can the world not just leave me in peace?'

I got up and went to the door.

I looked through the peephole but there was no one.

I opened the door and looked to both sides before slowly closing it.

But something caught my eye.

There was an envelope with my name on it sitting on the ground.

I picked it up and walked back into the apartment.

I sat on my bed and slowly opened it.

There was a note and some pictures.

I opened the note and put the pictures to the side.

_'She's got new people in her life. An annoying neighbor. Angry old man across the street. But she's doing better. She's happier, and I know that's what you want for her. You want her to find someone better than you._

_She has new friends too. Few girls she met when she went back a few months ago. They treat her well. And I don't think she's been happier._

_I included a few pictures from her friends' Facebook and Instagram accounts so you could see._

_I hope you're glad that she's okay_ _again.'_

I looked through the pictures and smiled.

In each and every picture she looked happy.

She wore a smile like none that I had seen.

Probably one of her biggest smiles.

In one picture there was a girl on her back.

The girl was laughing while Chloe seemed to be struggling to hold her, but she was still smiling.

There was another picture with a girl who had dreads.

She and Chloe had their arms around each other and were holding drinks towards the camera.

The next was her and some girl playing soccer.

The ball was bouncing on the other girl's head while Chloe laughed.

The next one involved a girl with extremely curly hair.

Her and Chloe were taking Jello shots while the girls from the other pictures smiled in the background.

The last picture was of her and a blonde girl.

They were in a pool.

Chloe was on the girl's shoulders and was laughing while the other girl was spitting water at the camera.

As I was looking at it, something fell of the back of it.

It was a sticky note.

I picked it up and read it.

_'She's happy now. That's all that matters.'_   
  


 

_**My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways** _

_**Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life** _

_**Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh...** _

**_And it haunts me every time I close my eyes_ **   
  


 

I was sitting around watching TV when I had an idea for a drawing.

It was gonna be my final apology to Chloe.

I'd make it big so she could hang it, or keep it for a fire if she hated it.

I quickly found the pictures of her and her friends I had gotten and got to work on a small scale draft.

I worked all day on the draft.

Every minute passing within seconds.

I had to do some research, which felt creepy.

I wanted to include her new friends, so I tracked them down online so I could have better picture when I could see their features better.

I even found some other friends of her that I could include.

I found out their names while I was it, so I didn't have to keep calling them 'soccer girl' or 'pool chick'.

There was Sarah, the one on Chloe's back.

The girl with dreads was Cosima.

The soccer playing one was Alison.

Helena was the one with the Jello shots.

Shay was the in the pool.

And then there was Beth, someone who seemed like she was close with Alison and like she and Chloe had become really good friends.

And finally, there was Felix and Tony.

I figured out that they were dating but seemed close with Chloe because there was picture of them on either side of her, kissing her cheeks.

Once I was done with the draft, I called Amy.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, Amy, it's Beca,"

_"Short stack, why are you calling me at three in the morning?"_

"Shit! It's three in thee morning. Sorry. I can call you back later,"

_"No, I'm already awake, what's up?"_

"You know where Chloe lives, right?"

_"Yeah, why?"_

"I need you to do something for me,"

_"Okay, what is it?"_

"I'm making something for her as an apology and final goodbye, but I don't want to give it to her in case she doesn't want to see me,"

_"Yeah. The only way it's going to get to her is if you go,"_

"Amy, please,"

_"No way shawshank, you're gonna face your problems. Call me when you want her address,"_

And then she hung up.  
  
  


**_It all just sounds like oooooh..._ **

_**Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize** _

**_That I should've bought you flowers_ **

_**And held your hand** _

**_Should've gave you all my hours_ **

**_When I had the chance_ **   
  


 

I finally finished the picture, and I was actually really proud.

I just had to color it.

I was debating between two options.

Only color Chloe, and leave everything else in black and white.

Or color everyone.

And then there was how I was gonna color it.

Markers, pencils, paint, or pastels?

I didn't have the slightest idea, so I decided to take a break and go on YouTube.

That ended up being a bad idea, because I was there for hours.

But it was also a good idea, because I figured out how to choose what to color the picture with.

I was scrolling through videos when I came across Chloe's newest video.

She was doing a Q & A.

She'd try and answer the most questions from the comments that she could.

I decided to ask one, and did so anonymously.

'I'm making a drawing for someone that I love, but I'm not sure how to color it. Since you're into arts in general, I was hoping you could help. I'm trying to decide between markers, pencils, paint and pastels. Your help would be gratefully appreciated.'

I submitted the comment and went back to watching videos.

...

A week later, Chloe posted a new video.

She answered a bunch of questions, from her favorite color, to her favorite celebrity.

And then, she answered mine.

_"Now, someone asked me this,"_

My comment appeared on the screen.

_"I would have to say paint. I feel like it's a more precious material, because they'll see the time you put into it, since paint takes longer to do and all. But then again, I'm probably not the best person to ask. But if I had to pick, I'd say paint. I hope it all goes well for you,"_

I quickly went to work after that.  
  
  


_**Take you to every party** _

_**'Cause all you wanted to do was dance** _

_**Now my baby's dancing** _

_**But she's dancing with another man** _   
  


 

I took a step back and looked at the picture.

It was even better in color.

I missed Chloe, and I was definitely still in love with her, but she's moved on.

I know that.

But that didn't stop me fromremembering when we were like that.

With all the Bellas.

I remember everything that we did together.

From our first kiss to the time she found out I was really good at lap dances.

And even the time we dressed up as Scully and Mulder for Halloween.

I remember every detail of her morning and night routines.

I remember how she would stop what she was doing and dance every time her favorite song came on.

And I remember how she would smile at me like I created the Earth.

And the way it slowly shrunk as the days went by.

I sighed as I cleaned the last paintbrush and started putting everything away.

I sat on the floor and picked up a photo album that Chloe had put together for our first year of dating.

She left it here when she left.

There was a picture for everything that had to do with us.

My audition.

Our ICCA championship.

Out World's championship.

Our graduation pictures, along with the group one.

Our first kiss.

The lap dance I gave her at Stacie's birthday.

Us as Scully and Mulder.

The time we went to a karaoke bar and I sang Black Magic.

I closed the album and put it back.

I picked up the phone and called Amy.

_"Ya?"_

"Hey, are you busy right now?"

_"Nope. I'm as free as a dingo in the outback. Why?"_

"I need you to come to my place. I need your opinion on something,"

_"Alright I'll be right over,"_   
  
  


_**Although it hurts** _

_**I'll be the first to say that I was wrong** _

_**Oh, I know I'm probably much too late** _

_**To try and apologize for my mistakes** _

**_But I just want you to know_ **   
  


 

"It's beautiful Beca,"

"You think she'll like it?"

"If she doesn't, then something is wrong with her,"

I chuckled.

"We gotta call the rest of the Bellas, they're gonna wanna see this,"

"Just, no Stacie,"

Amy nodded as she pulled out her phone.

...

About half an hour later all the Bellas were at my door.

"Now what's this thing Amy wants us to see?" Emily asked.

"Okay, so as a final apology and goodbye to Chloe, I made a painting. And I included her new friends based on social media pictures,"

The girls all nodded as I led them to the painting.

They all stopped in their tracks as their mouths hung open.

"We might not be close anymore, but she'll love it," Aubrey said quietly.

"Ya, it's amazing," Cynthia Rose agreed.

The others voiced their agreement and were soon on their way except Amy.

"Now, you need her address,"

She handed me a paper.

"Good luck shawshank,"

I smiled at her as she walked out.

I looked back at the painting and smiled.  
  
  


**_I hope he buys you flowers_ **

_**I hope he holds your hand** _

_**Give you all his hours** _

_**When he has the chance** _   
  


 

I got to San Francisco and it was ten at night, so I decided to go the next day.

I carefully placed the painting in a safe place and slept through the night.

The next day, I woke up and called the taxi service.

 _'Maybe I have a chance'_ I thought to myself.

I quickly went to wait outside as I knew the taxi would be here soon.

...

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

I waited a minute before knocking again.

"Just a minute!" I hear Chloe yell.

I took another deep breath as I waited.

Slowly, I heard the door unlock and open.

I came face to face with Chloe.

"Chloe..." I said quietly.

"Babe, who is it?" someone yelled from inside.

I saw Shay come from around the corner and kiss Chloe.

I quickly left the painting against the wall and ran.

I ran faster than I ever have.  
  
  


_**Take you to every party** _

_**'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance** _

_**Do all the things I should have done** _

**_When I was your man_ **

_**Do all the things I should have done** _

**_When I was your man_ **


	8. You Don't Know Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm not gonna straight out say it in the chapter, but this is kind of Chloe's way of finally getting over Beca completely. It's also her way of starting to 'live spontaneously' like Sarah says. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> I'd also like to point something out about what I'm writing. I wrote this before the tragedy that took place in Orlando on the 12th, and am not basing the club scene on that. So please, as you're reading, do not think that I am. Firstly, it was something that never should have happened in the first place. That man should not have been able to own a gun. I would not take inspiration from an event like that. Second of all, it would be really hard for me to write that kind of thing. But, the club is named after the club in Orlando; Pulse.

**_You see my face in the stars_ **

**_You don't know_ ** **_me_ **

 

**Chloe's POV**

Beca was gone.

She was there about five seconds ago.

I looked out the door and down the street and saw her in the distance, running.

She came all this way to find me, and then runs away.

I turn around to go back inside and see something leaning against the side of the house.

It's wrapped in cloth.

I looked at it oddly.

"What's up buttercup?" Shay asks with a small smile.

I smile back at her.

"I don't know, I think Beca left this."

I pointed towards the object.

She picked it up and walked into the house.

"Well, let's see what it is."

I followed her into the house and closed the door behind me.

"You wanna do the honors?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. You seem more excited than me." I said with a small smile.

"Ha ha. You wanna open it or not?"

"Nah, you go ahead."

She smiled at me and looked at the object again.

"Wait, there's a note. It says: 'To Chloe and Shay' Maybe we have to read it first."

She handed me the envelope and stood beside me.

I gulped and slowly opened it, pulling out the note.

_'Dear Chloe and Shay,_

_This is in no way me trying to win Chloe back, it's actually more of the opposite. This is more like a final apology and goodbye. I never should have put Chloe through that, and I can only imagine what that did to her, so Shay, if you had to pick up her pieces, alone or with others, I'm sorry. It probably wasn't easy. I never meant to hurt her, but I guess that's what I do._

_So, as a final apology, and for closure for myself, I made an art piece. You can keep it. Or burn it. I think it's big enough to keep a fire going for a few hours. Anyway, it includes everyone around you from San Francisco, your new family. I had to do a lot of Instagram and Facebook stalking, so I feel very weird, but I think you'll_ _like_ _it. The_ _Bellas_ _told me you would. It includes Shay, Sarah,_ _Cosima_ _, Alison, Felix, Tony, Beth and Helena. If there are more people that I forgot to include, I'm sorry. And tell them I'm sorry._

_Anyways, I hope San Francisco is great._

_Goodbye,_

_Beca'_

 

**_You write my name on your walls_ **

_**But you don't know me** _

 

"Awww. That's sweet." Shay said.

"Yeah." I replied quietly.

"Let's see it."

She walked over to what I assumed was a canvas after reading the note.

She looked at me, a questioning look in her eyes.

I nodded and she slowly pulled the sheet off, revealing the art.

It was beautiful.

In the middle, the biggest 'shot', was me and Shay kissing each other.

Around us were pictures I recognized from Instagram or Facebook.

There was a picture where Sarah had jumped on my back, practically knocking me over.

There was me and Cosima holding drinks forwards, with the biggest smiles.

Then there was me laughing at Alison who was bouncing a soccer ball on her head.

She even included me and Helena taking Jello shots.

There was me and Beth playing Just Dance.

Beth looked like she was going to face plant, and I was just laughing.

Then there was Felix and Tony kissing my cheeks.

And in all the small places between each smaller drawing, I noticed words.

I looked closer and realized it was everyone's names, indicating who was in each picture.

It was amazing.

"Holy shit." Shay said quietly.

"Ya."

There was a moment of silence before Shay spoke.

"So, where should we put it?"

"Wait, you wanna keep it?" I asked.

"Ya, why not? It's amazing."

"I just didn't think you'd want to keep it."

"Because it's from Beca. Hey, I might only know her as the person who hurt you, but clearly she trying to apologize. Make up for it, even if it's only a little. Plus, this look freaking amazing. Like seriously."

I chuckled at her and nodded.

"Ya. Okay. I say we put it across from the bed."

She smiled at me and grabbed the painting before dashing to our room.

And smiled and followed.

I found her standing on a ladder, a nail and hammer in hand.

"Move to the right a little."

She moved a little bit and looked back at me.

"That should be good once we hang it."

She nailed it into the wall and I handed her the painting.

She hung it and came to stand by me.

"It looks fantastic." I said quietly, leaning my head on her shoulder.

"Ya. It does." she replied, kissing my forehead.

 

_**I feel you tracing my scars** _

_**But you don't know me** _

**_You don't know me at all_ **

 

"What the bloody hell?" Sarah said.

"What?" I asked

"What is that? And why did ya put it here?"

"Oh, ya. Beca made it. As like a final apology."

"Oh. It looks amazing."

After a moment of silence Sarah spoke up again.

"Why'd you keep it? I mean, after everything the girl's done to you, why?"

"Shay found it really pretty, and figured if Beca's trying to make up for what she did, even if only slightly, then we should give her chance. And she's right, it looks amazing."

"Alright. But, just don't get yourself sucked into anything, ya?"

"Ya."

We walked out and joined the others.

"Who's ready to partay?" Cosima asked, holding up a bottle of rum.

"Me!" Sarah yelled before grabbing the bottle and chugging most of it.

"I say we ditch this scene and go to the club!" Beth suggested.

"Yes! Sounds like a bloody brilliant plan! Let's go!" Sarah replied.

She grabbed Beth and Alison by the hand and pulled them out of the house.

"Partay!" Cosima yelled, following them.

Felix and Tony shrugged before grabbing Helena and also following.

I looked at Shay and she shrugged before grabbing her purse and keys.

"Let's go." she said with a smile.

I smiled back, and we followed the others.

...

We went to a karaoke bar, seeing as drunk Sarah was leading, and she loves karaoke.

And all the clubs were packed, so we chose a bar.

There were only about twenty people, and they were looking for someone to do a song.

Sarah grabbed Helena and pulled her on stage, quickly picking their song.

I saw Felix take out his phone and point it towards them.

The song started and I started laughing.

Sugar Sugar by the Archies was obviously what Sarah would take.

After they finished, Beth convinced Alison to do a song with her and they were actually pretty good.

As Felix was getting ready to go on stage, a small brunette walked up and started her song.

I couldn't see her face, but I knew it was her.

I knew it was Beca.

I didn't take much liking to the song she chose, so I decided to go outside for a smoke.

I looked at Shay and held up the pack of cigarettes.

She nodded and smiled, following me.

I was putting out my cigarette when we heard a door open and someone fall.

"Fuck." they mumbled.

I turned and saw Beca.

 

_**I see you down on your knees** _

_**But you don't own me** _

_**You don't know me at all** _

 

"Chloe, hey. I-" I shrugged and went back inside, joining the group.

Sarah saw me and started dancing with me.

"Hon, get your groove on. I haven't seen you move like this since that time you were completely wasted." Felix said.

"Well, you guys always say I need to let loose. I say I start now." I said with a smile.

He smiled back at me and kept dancing with Tony.

I saw Shay make her way to the stage and raised an eyebrow.

As soon as the song started, I recognized it and smiled so wide, my cheeks hurt.

She was singing Eyelids by PVRIS.

It was my favorite song.

She smiled at me as she swayed to the music.

When she finished, I walked over to her kissed her.

When we broke apart I pulled her into a hug and looked out the window.

I saw a form retreating from it.

 

**_You drank your wine from my heart_ **

**_You don't know me, you don't know me at all_ **

 

I shrugged and turned back to my friends.

Those who did care.

We stayed there until the early hours of the morning, all crashing at my place since it was the closest.

I got a bunch of glasses of water and put them on the table in the living room along with some aspirin for everyone.

I went back to bed and found Shay, curled up on the edge of the bed.

I smiled at her and slipped under the sheets after closing the light.

I got comfortable and felt her cuddle into my side.

I smiled and closed my eyes, falling to sleep.

...

I was at the cafe one day while Shay was at work, when someone sat across from me.

I looked up and saw Cosima.

"Hey Cos. What's up?" I asked.

"I just wanted to ask you something." she replied with a shrug.

"Okay..."

"Right. I'm asking you because I usually go with Shay. And last year we hadn't known you yet, so-"

"Cosima, get to the point."

"Geez, okay. I wanted to know if you want to go to the pride parade."

"Seriously?"

"Well, ya."

"Well, duh I'll go. I've always wanted to."

"Sweet. I'll be at your place a few hours before it starts with everything we need, tell Shay." she said while getting up.

"Will do." I said with a wave.

I took out my phone and texted Shay, just so I wouldn't forget.

_'Hey,_ _Cosima_ _invited me to go to the pride parade with you guys and I said yes. She said she'll be at our place a few hours before hand with everything we need.'_

She replied soon after. _'Alright, sweet. <3 I'm finishing early, so I'll be home in like half an hour'_

_'Alright, see you then. <3'_

I put my phone away and headed home.

When I got there, Shay was already home.

"Hey, I'm home.' I said, walking through the door.

"Hey." she replied.

I joined her on the couch and leaned my head on her shoulder.

We watched a few episodes of Friends before she paused it.

"Okay, I know you said yes to the pride parade, but I want to warn you. Cosima goes all out. I mean, last year, she covered herself head to toe in rainbow. Facepaint, spray hair dye, leggings, shoes, a giant flag on her back, everything. So, she might come here with just as much. I just thought I'd warn you."

I chuckled at the image of Cosima being a walking rainbow.

"It's fine. As long as she doesn't do that to me."

Shay laughed at that.

"Her hair was like that for days."

I smiled at her and kissed her.

I don't know why I ever went back to Barden.

 

_**I see you down on your knees** _

**_You don't, you don't, you don't know me at all_ **

 

Cosima had asked me to pick up some last minute things for the parade, so I was rushing through the store, not really watching where I was going.

I grabbed something I needed, and turned around to quickly, so I walked right into someone, knocking them over.

"Shit. I'm so sorry." I said while starting to pick their things up. I stood up and stuck my hand that was holding everything.

The girl stood up and it was Beca.

"Thanks." she said while taking her things.

I nodded at her and continued to the checkout.

By the time, I got home, Cosima was already there.

I walked in with everything I had bought.

"Okay, we have a little over four and half hours. That should be enough." Cosima said.

"Just tell us your ideas." Shay said.

"Okay, well, since you guys are dating, I thought you should match, so..."

She went on and we agreed with pretty much everything.

We now had a little over four hours before Sarah came to take our picture and drive us there.

...

There was a knock at the door.

"I got it!" Cosima yelled while sprinting to the door.

I looked at Shay and we both laughed before following her.

"Damn, you guys match. It looks nice." Sarah said when she saw us.

We bowed and thanked her.

She took the picture and we were off.

Me and Shay looked at the picture in the car.

We both had rainbow contacts on and had the rainbow painted down our cheeks, almost like we were crying the rainbow.

We were both wearing rainbow shoes and sporting shirts that said 'Love Is Louder'.

And all three of us had a strand of each color of the rainbow in our hair.

...

At the end of the parade, we decided to go to a club with some people we met.

There was Delphine, a really nice girl from France that had moved to San  Francisco a few years ago.

And her roommate/best friend Krystal.

I'm pretty sure Cosima was hitting on Delphine the whole time.

They were both scientists, so Cosima kept using really bad science puns.

Krystal left not long after we got there, she had a date.

She was straight, but she was like Delphine's sister, so she decided attend and support her.

I was dancing with Shay when I noticed Cosima leaving with Delphine.

Guess we won't be seeing her until tomorrow.

Just a turned back to Shay, a slow song started.

I smiled at her and put my arms around her neck.

She smiled back as her arms circled my waist.

I leaned my head on her shoulder and could see Beca behind her.

She tried making eye contact but I looked away.

I pulled back and pulled Shay into a kiss.

When we pulled apart, I leaned close next to her ear.

"Let's get out of here." I whispered before nibbling on her earlobe.

I heard her suck in a breath before nodding and pulling me towards the exit.

 

**_You see my face in the stars_ **

**_You write my name on your walls_ **

 

The next day, we took it easy.

We watched movies and hung around the house all day.

The parade and partying took a lot out of us.

We were halfway through Star Wars Episode V when there was a knock at the door.

I paused the movie and went to answer.

On the other side was Fat Amy.

"Amy. Hey. What's up?" I asked, opening the door and letting her in.

"Not much flat butt. I just wanted to see you."

I smiled at her and led her to the kitchen where Shay was.

"Amy, this is Shay, my girlfriend. Shay, Amy."

Shay stuck out her hand with a smile.

'That's 'Fat Amy' to you." she said before accepting Shay's hand.

"You call yourself Fat Amy?" Shay asked.

"Ya, so twig bitches like you don't do it behind my back." Amy replied.

I chuckled at the memory of my first meeting her.

"Ignore her." I said to Shay.

She nodded slowly.

"You want anything to drink?" she asked Amy.

"Nah. I'm good. Thanks."

Shay nodded.

"I'll leave you guys. I'll be in the living room." she said as she kissed my cheek.

"Your girl's cute. And she seems nice." Amy said after a moment of silence.

"She is. Nice. Well, she's cute too, but she's really nice." I replied.

"You really like her?"

"Ya."

"Good. I expect to be invited to the wedding." Amy said with a grin.

I rolled my eyes.

"Only if you invite me to yours and Bumper's." I replied, lifting an eyebrow.

Amy instantly flushed and I started laughing.

After a few minutes of silence, Amy spoke up.

"Well I should go. I just wanted to check in on my favorite redhead."

"Thanks Amy. And for what it's worth, I've missed you. And I hope you visit again soon."

"Well duh." she said as she hugged me.

"It was nice meeting you Shay." she said when we pulled apart.

"It was nice meeting you too." Shay replied.

Amy waved and was on her way.

I felt my phone buzz a few minutes later.

It was a text from Amy.

 _'_ _I_ _just_ _saw_ _Beca_ _down_ _your_ _street_ _._ _Thought_ _I'd_ _let_ _you_ _know_ _.'_

I quickly sent out a _'_ _thanks_ '.

Just as I closed my phone, there was a knock at the door.

I sighed and went to answer it.

I opened it and came face to fave with  Beca.

"Hey." she said.

"Hey. Why are you here?" I replied.

"I was going to the airport and I thought I'd come say goodbye."

"Ya. Okay. Well, it was nice seeing you."

I closed the door and went back to the living room.

 

**_I feel you tracing my scars_ **

**_I see you down on your knees_ **

 

"Who was that?" Shay asked.

"Just Beca. She came to say bye because she's going home."

"Oh. Cool."

"Ya." I sat on the couch and we finished our movie.

...  
  
It'd been a few months since Beca left.

I hadn't heard from her or Fat Amy since.

I was out on a date with Shay when my phone started ringing.

I hit ignore and kept talking to her.

It rang again and I looked at the caller ID.

It was Sarah.

I turned my phone off and looked at Shay.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"Sarah. She's probably trying to ruin our date. Like she usually does." I said with a shrug.

Shay nodded and we kept talking.

Soon, her phone started ringing.

"It's Sarah." she said.

"Maybe it's important." I said.

She had called three times.

Shay nodded and picked up.

"Hello?"

Sarah said something, and Shay handed me the phone.

"Hello?" 

"You need to come home."

"Why?"

"There a girl that calls herself Fat Amy here and she won't leave until you come home."

"Why is she there?"

"All she's telling me is that it's about Beca. Something about her being done."

"Okay. I'm on my way."

 

_**You don't know me at all** _

**_You don't know me at all_ **

**_You don't know me at all_ **

 


	9. Lazarus

**Beca's** **POV**

Every time I ran into her, she made the interaction short.

She only said a few words or ignored me.

And then when I went to say goodbye, she practically slammed the door in my face.

I guess she doesn't care anymore.

Not that I blame her.

After what I did.

I'd be the same.

I tired forgetting about her, I really did.

But she was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

She was everything to me.

And I tried everything to win her back.

But, she has Shay now.

And Shay was great, from what Amy told me anyway.

The only person I had left was Amy.

After I showed the other Bellas the painting, Aubrey had called Chloe because she missed her.

Anyway, that led to Chloe explaining everything that happened.

Before hand, they had only known that Chloe thought I didn't love her.

Now, they knew everything.

And no one was talking to me.

They all hated me.

So, I had no one.

I had relapsed on the self harm and drinking.

Amy tried to help, but there was nothing she could do.

My love for my work destroyed my relationship and friendships.

Like always, I hurt someone.

But this time, it was more than one person.

And I couldn't handle that.

I had had enough of hurting people that I loved.

I had had enough of life.

In a split second decision, I decided to take the easy way out.

I couldn't live with myself, let alone expect others to.

So why should I?

 

_**Look up here, I'm in heaven** _

_**I've got scars that can't be seen** _

_**I've got drama, can't be stolen** _

_**Everybody knows me now** _

 

I didn't think twice.

Didn't think that maybe it would hurt Chloe.

Didn't think that anyone would find me.

So, I sat on the bathroom floor, blade in hand.

I vaguely heard my phone ring, but ignored it.

I pushed the blade deep into my wrist and pulled down, until my elbow.

I watched as the blood dripped out and onto the white floor.

I switched the blade hands and did it on my other wrist.

I put the blade down and laid on the floor, looking at the ceiling.

I looked back at my life and thought of everything that had happened.

From the the good times, to the bad ones.

Like all the great times I had with my brother.

Or how he protected me when mom would hit me.

And then I remembered that time I didn't speak to him because he embarrassed me.

Everyone had started making fun of me, so I stopped talking to him.

That affected him more than I thought.

He committed suicide a month after that day.

I remembered the good times with Mom.

When she loved me and was proud of me.

Then she started drinking because of stress from work.

And I failed an exam.

She wasn't proud anymore.

She hated me.

She hit me.

And it was all my fault.

I remembered my best friend from high school.

We always hung out together.

We always had a blast.

Then, my parents divorced.

And I had to move.

I never heard from her.

I remembered meeting Chloe and the Bellas.

We may have had a bad arrangement, but we had fun.

Then I changed it, and they got mad at me.

Then I left.

 

_**Look up here, man, I'm in danger** _

_**I've got nothing left to lose** _

_**I'm so high it makes my brain whirl** _

_**Dropped my cell phone down below** _

 

And they let me back in.

I heard my phone ring again, but no longer had the energy to care.

I remembered telling Chloe I liked her.

I remembered asking her out.

How great we were for that first year.

How nicely we fit together.

Then, I remembered how I forgot her.

How I got wrapped up in my job and made her think I never loved her.

I remembered the Bellas finding out.

I remembered how they looked at me.

How they looked at me with hate burning in their eyes.

I remembered seeing Chloe in San Francisco.

Seeing the look she gave me when we ran into each other.

The way her eyes rolled every time.

How she tried to make the encounters shorter, quickly leaving.

I remembered boarding the plane and having no one there to say goodbye.

I remembered getting off the plane and having no one there to greet me.

I remembered getting home and finding letters from all the Bellas.

Letters asking me not to contact them.

Letters telling me to forget them.

I remembered seeing them in the city.

I remembered how they avoided eye contact and practically ran away.

I remembered when I got the call that my dad had been in a car crash.

I remembered that he died.

Everything and everyone I loved either got ruined, died or hated me.

And it was time I followed.

 

_**Ain't that just like me** _

_**By the time I got to New York** _

_**I was living like a king** _

_**Then I used up all my money** _

 

I heard a knock on the door.

But I was too tired to move.

Too tired to care.

Then it became pounding.

And then I remembered the time my mom beat me into the hospital.

She found out I was gay and came to my room looking for me.

I had locked the door, and she just pounded on it.

Eventually it gave way and crashed onto the floor.

She lunged at me and punched and kicked and pulled and spit.

By the time she left, I couldn't move and blood was pooling everywhere.

It was my brother that found me and called nine-one-one.

He saved me.

And I let him down.

I felt tears burning my eyes and the pounding got louder.

 

_**I was looking for your ass** _

_**This way or no way** _

_**You know, I'll be free** _

_**Just like that bluebird** _

 

The door eventually crashed down.

I heard Amy yell as my vision blurred and darkened.

"BECA!!" Amy yelled.

I heard her run up the stairs.

Her footsteps getting closer and my vision darkened.

I smiled as I saw my brother, holding out his hand.

I grabbed it, and he spoke.

"Fuck. Beca. Shit. Shit. Shit." I saw him speak but it was Amy's voice.

"Don't do this Beca. You can't leave them. They need you. Whether they know it or not." he said before letting go of my hand.

"No!" I yelled as he disappeared.

"Please hurry. She's lost a lot of blood. It's everywhere." I heard Amy.

Her panicking slowly drowned out as my hearing went out too.

I hoped she had been too late.

 

_**Now ain't that just like me** _

_**Oh I'll be free** _

_**Just like that bluebird** _

_**Oh I'll be free** _

_**Ain't that just like me** _

 


	10. Dollhouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per popular demand (from other sites), I will be using Dollhouse, for a flashback of Chloe's youth and past events. I apologize in advance for any verb tense/grammar mistakes. I skipped my re-reading process so I could post this faster since it's been so long. I'll correct as I slowly re-read it.

**_Hey girl, open the walls, play with your dolls_ **

****

**_We'll be a perfect family._ **

 

 

**Chloe's POV**

 

"We're on our way."

 

I hung up and gave Shay the phone before putting money on the table.

 

"We gotta go." I said as I pulled her up.

 

"What's wrong?" she asked.

 

She squeezed my hand in a way she knew calmed me down.

 

"It's Beca. I think she tried to commit suicide."

 

I heard Shay gasp.

 

"The only thing Amy told Sarah was that Beca said she was done."

 

"Alright, I'll drive." Shay said as we arrived at the car.

 

I sent her a grateful smile and got in.

 

...

 

We got to the house and Amy and Sarah were arguing.

 

"Gimme the phone, I gotta talk to flat butt!"

 

"Not until you tell me exactly what happened."

 

"Gimme the phone!" Amy yelled while lunging at Sarah.

 

They wrestled and I ran out of the car.

 

"Guys, what the fuck? Stop it!" I yelled when I was close enough.

 

They both froze and looked at me.

 

They stood up and flattened their clothes.

 

"Sorry." they said in unison.

 

"Amy, what happened?" I asked.

 

She looked between Shay and Sarah.

 

"Now." I said.

 

"Beca got home and everyone still hates her for making you think she didn't love you. For treating you like that. She couldn't take it. I went to her place and found her in her room. She had cut her wrists open. She was barely conscious when I found her. I came as soon as she was in the hospital. She's ripped open her stitches twice already. They still haven't replaced all the blood she's lost because she keeps losing it. They're not sure she's gonna make it." Amy explained.

 

"Fuck." I whispered.

 

"I just got all four of us tickets to Barden. The plane leaves in three hours." Sarah said as she went inside.

 

She came back twenty minutes later with three bags, just as a cab pulled up.

 

She threw the bags in the trunk.

 

"Are you coming or not?" she asked.

 

We all jumped in the car.

 

...

 

On the plane to Barden, I realized how this was so similar to what happened to my sister.

 

The one that didn't hate me.

 

The one that was dead.

 

We stopped talking and she committed suicide.

 

That's exactly what was happening with Beca.

 

Everything was repeating itself.

 

I loved my family to death, but I couldn't face them at Erin's funeral.

 

I didn't even go.

 

They all blamed me.

 

Trent, Ruby, Mom, Dad, my grandmas, my  grandpas, Uncle Rick, Uncle Mal, Aunt Jamie and Aunt Harley.

 

Everyone.

 

The only person who didn't blame me was Erin's  girlfriend, Jillian.

 

She told me that Erin was depressed long before we stopped talking.

 

That she was just really good at hiding it.

 

She had self-harmed for years, the only person who knew was Jillian.

 

Erin had gone through a lot at school.

 

She was bullied throughout most of elementary and high school because of a stupid thing.

 

She told people that she had seen a ghost.

 

And the kids, being mean, called her crazy and bullied her, both physically and verbally.

 

It was torture for her.

 

Jillian told me that she stuck around for me.

 

Because I saw her like she had created the world.

 

She told me that Erin was trying to protect me from everything.

 

Jillian relayed that Erin had said Dad was having an affair.

 

That Trent was smoking weed ninety percent of the time.

 

That Mom and knew about the affair and was dealing with it by drinking.

 

That the reason I didn't see Ruby much, was because she snuck out with boys or girls, whoever could give her the most.

 

And Erin tried to tell everyone.

 

She's the reason Mom knew about Dad, and she hated Erin for ruining everything.

 

She told Mom about Trent, and she hated Erin for ruining the family's reputation.

 

She's the one who told Dad that Mom knew, and that she was drinking.

 

And he hated Erin for destroying Mom.

 

And she knew about Ruby, and Ruby hated her for it, because "Can't I have one goddamn thing going on that you guys don't fucking know about?"

 

 

**_When you walk away, is when we really play_ **

****

**_You don't hear me when I say,_ **

****

**_"Mom, please wake up._ **

****

**_Dad's with a slut, and your son is smoking cannabis."_ **

 

 

At least she had had good times with the family.

 

She had memories that didn't involve degrading her.

 

At least, some people had still liked her when she died.

 

Before I met Aubrey, and after Erin died, the only person I had was Jillian.

 

That didn't last either.

 

She died in a car crash the year before I got to Barden.

 

I remembered how much pain I put Erin through.

 

It killed me every day, but having Jillian around, reminding me that it wasn't my fault, helped.

 

But the day after she died, it was like I was back at square one.

 

Like Erin had just died again.

 

I remembered how I hadn't spoken to her for seven months before she died.

 

Seven months without my best friend.

 

I was already the laughing stalk at school, but she made it worse.

 

I was known as 'ghost girl's sister'.

 

No one knew my real name.

 

But I dealt with it.

 

I had Erin, and that's all that had mattered.

 

She hadn't done it on purpose, but back then, I didn't care.

 

I hadn't thought rationally.

 

I knew I was bi from a young age, but I knew my parents wouldn't like it.

 

They didn't know Ruby slept with girls, and they barely tolerated Erin being bi too.

 

I never came out, to anyone, not even Erin.

 

Until one day, she saw me online, texting a girl that I liked.

 

We were planning on meeting up when she came to visit.

 

She was dropping me off at school when she saw it.

 

"Who's the girl you like?" she had asked.

 

It was innocent.

 

She was just looking out for me.

 

But, someone had overheard.

 

And within the next five minutes, everyone knew.

 

And everything got worse.

 

 

**_No one ever listens, this wallpaper glistens_ **

****

**_Don't let them see what goes down in the kitchen._ **

 

 

....

 

After that, the teasing was worse, and that's when I stopped talking to Erin.

 

I knew she meant well, because she didn't care what people thought.

 

She just wanted everyone to be themselves, no judgement.

 

But, the world is what it is.

 

I remember how my parents found out a few days after, and even though I was pissed at her, she stood up for me.

 

They were verbally degrading me, on the edge of beating me, and she stepped in.

 

She put herself between me and them and made sure I was always behind her.

 

But, I was pissed, and stupid.

 

I pushed her aside and told her to get lost.

 

She left with a sigh and Trent came in.

 

He's the one who beat me.

 

After everyone else was asleep, Erin came into my room and brought me to the bathroom.

 

She cleaned the cuts on my face and knuckles and covered my bruises so they wouldn't hurt as much.

 

I had told her to get off so many times, but she persisted until I broke down in her arms.

 

I sobbed and I sobbed because at the time I just wanted to die.

 

I didn't have friends and my family hated me.

 

I had no one.

 

But she held me and told me everything was gonna be okay.

 

I didn't talk to her again after that.

 

 

**_Places, places, get in your places_ **

****

**_Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces_ **

 

 

When Jillian died, it was the same as Erin's funeral.

 

Except I did go.

 

And pretty much got thrown out.

 

Her family had asked me to write a speech and I couldn't even get through the whole thing because people were booing and insulting me.

 

At a funeral.

 

Jillian was well liked, even by the younger kids, so everyone was there.

 

Including all my bullies.

 

I didn't even get to say goodbye to the one person I had left.

 

I remember how she took over Erin's protective side.

 

She protected me.

 

All the time.

 

She'd come to our house all the time and go through verbal abuse just to make sure I was okay.

 

She'd go through physical attacks to make sure I was okay.

 

She'd randomly drop by the school to make sure I was okay.

 

She was always there.

 

And she was always the sweetest thing.

 

She stood up for me against all of her friends, and their siblings and their friends.

 

I never knew why, because she never told me.

 

She'd only said that it mattered that I had someone on my side.

 

But then I didn't.

 

****

**_Everyone thinks that we're perfect_ **

****

**_Please don't let them look through the curtains_ **

 

 

A few days after Jillian died, I got a letter in the mail.

 

From her.

 

I almost didn't want to read it because then it would have been real.

 

But I did.

 

I had to.

 

_'Dear Chloe,_

_If you've received this letter, it's because something happened. Something bad enough that I'm not there anymore. I assume I died, or I was framed for a crime and moved to Canada to avoid the FBI. Either way. If you didn't come to my funeral, it's okay. I don't blame you. I know how hard it was for you to go to Erin's and I know a lot more people will be at mine. Mainly your bullies. So if you didn't come, it's okay. It's absolutely fine and I don't blame you._

_If you did come; how stupid are you? You could have been hurt, like really hurt. And I may be dead, but I will still do everything in my power to keep you safe. It's what me and Erin both wanted. If you came because my parents wanted you to say something, then thank you, I hope it was nice, but you're stupid. I know my family meant well because of how much we meant to each other, but they we're stupid too. They put your mental state at risk. I hope that whatever happened, you're okay._

_On the front of being able to protect you, I came up with a solution. You don't know them yet, but they were my best friends, and Erin's. And they're really sweet. I told them everything and they'll protect you no matter what. They're just waiting for you to call after you've read this. They're names are Abby and Patty. Abby wants to be a scientist, and Patty wants to be a historian. They're interested in changing the world. Just like us._

_I hope you'll like them as much as they seem to like you already._

_I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you longer, I really am. I want you to know that you'll always have someone. Whether it be me, Erin, Abby or Patty, someone will always be there. No doubt about it. You'll always be loved. Always._

_Your protector and savior,_

_Jillian'_

 

There had been a sticky note attached with both Abby and Patty's numbers.

 

I called them right away.

 

_"Hello?"_

 

"Um, hi. Uh, am I speaking to an Abby or a Patty?"

 

_"This is Abby. What can I do for you?"_

 

"Um, ya, hi. Jillian left your number for me. Told me to call if ever I needed anything."

 

_"Shit. Chloe?"_

 

"Ya."

 

_"You still live in your parent's house?"_

 

"Yep."

 

_"Okay, be outside in ten."_

 

Then she hung up.

 

I quickly packed a bag and went to wait outside.

 

 

**_Picture, picture, smile for the picture_ **

****

**_Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?_ **

****

**_Everyone thinks that we're perfect_ **

****

**_Please don't let them look through the curtains_ **

 

 

Not ten minutes later, a car pulled up and the window rolled down.

 

"Chloe?" asked the passenger.

 

"Ya."

 

"Patty. Nice to meet you." she said while sticking her hand out the window.

 

I got up and shook it.

 

"And this is Abby." she said, pointing to the driver.

 

"Hiya." Abby said.

 

"Hey." I said with a small smile.

 

"Hop in. We're going somewhere." Abby said.

 

I quickly got in and we were off.

 

"Oh, Jillian wanted us to give you something."  Patty said.

 

She pulled something out of a bag and turned around to give it to me.

 

She dropped a Swiss Army knife in my hand.

 

I almost cried at the sight.

 

I could see the same scratches and indents as the one Erin used to have.

 

The one Jillian had originally given her.

 

I let a tear escape and started sobbing.

 

I felt the car pull over and two doors open.

 

And then they closed and two more opened.

 

I felt a weight next to me and an arm around my shoulder as we started moving again.

 

I leaned my head on whoever's shoulder and kept crying.

 

They kept rubbing circles on my back and I slowly calmed down.

 

"I'm sorry." I said as I pulled away.

 

"Hey, no need to apologize. This is what we signed up for when Jillian told us. It's all good. We understand." Abby said with a small smile.

 

I looked down and kept my head down for while, Abby still rubbing circles on my back.

 

"We're here." Patty said as she shut off the car.

 

I looked out the window and noticed my favorite ice cream place.

 

The one that was almost an hour away.

 

I smiled brightly at Abby.

 

"Let me guess, Jill told you?" I asked.

 

"She might have. But also, it was Erin's favorite too, so we took a guess." Abby replied.

 

I smiled again and hugged her tightly.

 

"Thank you." I said into her shoulder.

 

"Anytime kiddo."

 

 

**_D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E_ **

****

**_I see things that nobody else sees._ **

****

**_(D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E_ **

****

**_I see things that nobody else sees)_ **

 

 

Abby and Patty are still around.

 

Thankfully.

 

I don't know where I'd be without them.

 

After Jillian died I had seriously considered committing suicide.

 

But then I got her letter, and she was so convinced that Abby and Patty would be good, that I had to give them a chance.

 

And they don't know it, but they saved me.

 

If it wasn't for them, I would have committed suicide and I wouldn't be here.

 

They're still there for me, even as all of this was happening.

 

I called them whenever I had fights with people, because it would remind me of when I pushed Erin away and then she died.

 

I called them whenever I was nervous or scared, because after years of helping me, they knew exactly what to say.

 

And I called them whenever the Bellas won a competition or we advanced or even if I just got really good grades, because they were the proudest.

 

They were my family.

 

No one knows about them.

 

I didn't want to introduce anyone to them unless they meant the world to me, and I'm not sure I've found that person yet.

 

Well, not entirely sure anyway.

 

Abby and Patty might not be gone, but there was a time where I almost lost Patty, and Abby in the process.

 

Jillian was an engineer, and she would build stuff constantly.

 

Even before Erin died, she'd show me how to make things.

 

Small things that people could use in their everyday lives.

 

So, when she died, I turned to that.

 

I built and I built.

 

It wasn't my passion like her, but it helped me calm down.

 

So at one point, I built a Bluetooth headpiece for Patty to use while she was driving since she got a lot of calls, but I messed it up.

 

And almost killed Patty.

 

She was driving with Abby one day and was using it when something sparked and she got electrocuted through the ear.

 

They said she was lucky to survive that alone.

 

The car then went out of control and they were in the middle of a multi car accident.

 

Abby came out with only a few bruises and cuts that needed stitches, but Patty was in a coma.

 

I couldn't face them.

 

I had blamed myself, because it was my fault.

 

I went back home without saying a word to either of them, because I felt so bad.

 

I went through weeks of verbal and physically abuse just to avoid them.

 

I ignored all of Abby's calls and texts.

 

And eventually, they stopped coming in.

 

I woke up and checked to see if Abby had texted me.

 

She hadn't it had been three weeks since she had.

 

But I wasn't expecting anything.

 

I sighed and got up, getting ready for school.

 

I walked into the school at nine a.m. sharp and some guy walked up to me.

 

"You gonna put the rest of us in a coma?" he asked with a smirk.

 

I sighed and walked around him, going to class.

 

At the end of the day, I went home, but no one was there and I had forgotten my key.

 

I thought of where I could go, but there was only one place.

 

Jillian's apartment.

 

Abby and Patty still payed the rent because of everything she left.

 

And because they wanted to keep a piece of her.

 

I slowly walked over and found the spare key before going in.

 

I sat on the couch and looked around.

 

It was exactly how she left it.

 

Organized chaos.

 

I missed her.

 

I heard my phone ping.

 

It was a text from Abby.

 

_'Patty's awake.'_

 

I let out a sigh of relief.

 

'Tell her I'm sorry.' I replied.

 

I looked back around and noticed the things left.

 

I saw the blanket and pillow Jillian kept for me when I wouldn't want to sleep at home.

 

I saw her favorite mug and all the seasons of X-Files.

 

I hadn't really reacted to her death since the Swiss army knife, and everything I had bottled up, finally burst.

 

I sobbed into my hands.

 

I heard my phone ping but didn't react.

 

I felt empty.

 

I didn't have my sister or my best friend anymore.

 

I didn't have the two most important people.

 

And I didn't know what to do without them.

 

I sobbed harder and my phone pinged again.

 

I took it and threw it at the wall, shattering it to pieces.

 

I sat there, sobbing until I heard the door open.

 

"Chloe?"

 

I let out another sob.

 

"Jesus Christ." I heard Abby.

 

I just kept crying as she sat down and pulled me into her side.

 

"Shhh. Everything's fine. Everything's gonna be okay. You're safe."

 

...

 

 

**_Hey girl, look at my mom, she's got it going on_ **

****

**_Ha, you're blinded by her jewelry._ **

****

**_When you turn your back she pulls out a flask_ **

****

**_And forgets his infidelity._ **

 

 

I was grounded because my parent's found out that I was hanging out with Abby and Patty.

 

Or as they called them: The Dyke's friends.

 

They had never like Jillian.

 

And especially did not like anyone who encouraged me to be myself.

 

So when they found out, they prohibited me from seeing them.

 

Which meant, I was home.

 

Getting abused.

 

Abby sent me a text every day to make sure I was okay, and Patty would sneak a muffin in my window at night.

 

I managed to see them a month later when the whole family went on vacation except me.

 

"Chloe, Jillian told us that there was a lot that we didn't know. That one day we'd be able to ask you. Because, to be honest, you're mom doesn't look that bad. Like we know she is because we've seen your bruises, Erin's bruises and Jillian's bruises. But she's never seemed bad." Abby asked.

 

"Ya, well, it's just her rich persona. Her jewellery fooling everyone. She's drunk like ninety percent of the time. Dad's having an affair, but she doesn't want a divorce, so she drinks to forget his infidelity. And that's when we got bruises." I replied.

 

"Oh."

 

"Ya. You get used to it."

 

"Chloe..." Patty trailed off.

 

"Fuck. I gotta go. They're gonna be home in an hour. I'll see you guys." I said as I ran off.

 

I went home and acted like nothing had happened.

 

Like nothing was different from when they left.

 

I just sat on the couch, back straight, eyes looking ahead.

 

And the wallpaper glistened with my secrets.

 

 

**_Uh-oh, she's coming to the attic, plastic,_ **

****

**_Go back to being plastic._ **

****

**_No one ever listens, this wallpaper glistens_ **

 

 

No one knew about the abuse except Abby and Patty.

 

Well, until someone did.

 

I was a month away from being eighteen.

 

A month away from freedom.

 

I was at Aubrey's when she saw the bruises on my arm.

 

When I had a panic attack in front of someone that wasn't Abby or Patty.

 

But Aubrey had been smart.

 

When she realized she couldn't calm me down, she found my phone and called one of the only two numbers in it.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hi. You don't know me. But you know Chloe. And right now she's having a panic attack and I'm pretty sure you know how to calm it better than I do, so could you please help?"

 

"Where are you?"

 

Within five minutes Abby was there coaxing me away from the panic.

 

I hugged her and she rocked me back and forth.

 

"Thanks for calling us." Patty said.

 

"I didn't want to make it worse. And you're the only contacts in her phone." Aubrey replied.

 

"Either way, thank you."

 

When I had calmed down enough to get up, I brought Aubrey to the couch and told her everything.

 

From the abuse to Erin and Jillian.

 

Everything.

 

As she was walking Abby and Patty to the door later, I heard her whisper to them.

 

"I promise I'll do everything in my power to help her for the next month, until she can get out of there."

 

 

**_One day they'll see what goes down in the kitchen._ **

****

**_Places, places, get in tour places_ **

****

**_Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces._ **

 

 

I went to family wedding six months after I turned eighteen.

 

Six months after I had talked to anyone.

 

"Chloe, honey. Won't you be a good sister and pose with your brother?" Mom asked.

 

I stood next to Trent and he put his arm around my shoulder.

 

I faked a smile as I felt his fingers dig into my arm, drawing blood.

 

"Chloe. Will you pose with Ruby? We need some pictures for the album."

 

I faked a smile yet again as she wound her arm around my waist, fingers pinching the skin and leaving half moon marks.

 

"Chloe. Pose with Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Jack."

 

I felt their hands leaving marks on my back.

 

"Pose with your uncles."

 

Bruises forming on my arms.

 

"Pose with Aunt Jamie."

 

Death grips on my body.

 

"Pose with Grandma Taylor and Grandpa Charlie."

 

I felt my arms and back aching.

 

"Pose with Aunt Harley."

 

As we pulled apart she grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back.

 

I let out a whimper.

 

"Come near the family again, and all this will hurt more."

 

She let go and smiled at me like nothing had happened.

 

"Well, I should be heading home. Got a lot of homework." I said as I walked to my car.

 

Everyone smiled at me as I left.

 

"Your family is so sweet. I wish we got along that well."

 

"Your pictures were so cute. Honestly, you guys look amazing."

 

"Your family is perfect."

 

 

**_Everyone thinks that we're perfect_ **

****

**_Please don't let them look through the curtains._ **

****

**_Picture, picture, smile for the picture_ **

****

**_Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?_ **

****

**_Everyone thinks that we're perfect_ **

****

**_Please don't let them look through the curtains._ **

 

 

When we were finally in charge of the Bellas, everything changed.

 

I met Beca.

 

She made me happy again.

 

Until she didn't.

 

I know she would never intentionally hurt me, but when she stopped coming home and talking to me, I didn't want to leave.

 

I was afraid that if I did something wrong, it'd be like my family again.

 

I was afraid she'd hurt me.

 

So I stayed, and I stayed, until I realized that she didn't love me.

 

Until I realized this was all shit.

 

That no one really cared.

 

But they did.

 

When everything went spiraling downwards, Aubrey had called Abby and Patty.

 

And when I went out to San Francisco, they followed, without question.

 

They stood by my side through the crying and the suicide attempts.

 

They stood by as I replaced my group of friends with people who treated me right.

 

And it was like everything was okay again.

 

It was like my life was falling back together.

 

It was like Erin and Jillian were still there.

 

Like that week my parents were out of town and it was one giant adventure to explore the city.

 

Friends.

 

Fun.

 

Happiness.

 

But I always felt like something was about to go wrong.

 

Like everything was going to shatter again.

 

And it did.

 

When I got a call from my parents.

 

 

**_D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E_ **

****

**_I see things that nobody else sees._ **

****

**_(D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E_ **

****

**_I see things that nobody else sees)_ **

****

**_Hey girl (hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl...)_ **

****

**_Hey girl, open your walls, play with your dolls_ **

****

**_We'll be a perfect family._ **

 

 

"Chloe, honey. You're father's had a heart attack. And there just seems to be problems adding on. They're not sure if he's gonna make it. Will you come see him?"

 

I could hear the anger and the hatred in her voice.

 

I knew she couldn't care less about him, she just wanted to get to me.

 

"Trent and Ruby want to see you too."

 

My mind told me not to.

 

But they were my family.

 

"The family misses you and you might not see your father again."

 

They probably just wanted to hurt me again.

 

Blame me for everything that happened.

 

For how our family went to shit.

 

"Please Chloe. Your father just wants to be able to say goodbye.

 

I could snickering and arguing behind her.

 

And I knew they didn't care about actually seeing me.

 

"No." I whispered.

 

"Sorry, what was that?"

 

"I said no."

 

"What?"

 

"You heard me. No. I'm not coming back and you can kiss my ass. After everything you put me through. After you ruined my life and treated Erin like shit. After you abused Jillian because she came to see me. After you stopped me from seeing Abby and Patty, you really expect me to just drop everything in my life and come home so you can degrade me? Well, think again. I'm done with this family. You can suck it."

 

I hung up and dropped my phone on the couch.

 

I heard the door open.

 

"Chloe?"

 

I looked up and saw Abby.

 

I smiled at her.

 

"Where's Patty?" I asked quietly.

 

"She went out to get some booze."

 

"Why?"

 

"We were at the door throughout your whole conversation. We don't know what they said, but based on what you said, we're proud of you."

 

"Ya?"

 

"Ya. It's about time someone told them to suck it."

 

I chuckled at that and Abby sat next to me.

 

"You know we'll always be there right? No matter what? I'm pretty sure if you murdered someone Patty would either hide the body or plead guilty herself. You will always have someone on your side. You'll never be alone again."

 

I laughed and hugged her.

 

"Thank you." I whispered.

 

"Always." Abby whispered back.

 

We sat like that for a while until the door opened.

 

"I got the booze bitches."

 

I chuckled and got up.

 

"Patty, you're a life saver. Honestly."

 

"Always aim to please."

 

 

**_Places, places, get in your places_ **

****

**_Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces._ **

****

**_Everyone thinks that we're perfect_ **

****

**_Please don't let them look through the curtains._ **

****

 

After that, I started doubting myself a lot more.

 

I thought that I had made the wrong decision.

 

He was family after all.

 

He was my blood relative not just some stranger.

 

I thought that maybe I had made the wrong decision when I left for good.

 

I thought that I made the wrong decision when I let Erin, Jillian, Abby and Patty check in on me, even though they were getting abused.

 

I thought that I made the wrong decision when I didn't blame myself.

 

So three days after the call, I bought a plane ticket and I was on my way.

 

I got to the hospital and went to the front desk.

 

"I'm looking for a Blake Beale, do you know what room he's in?" I asked.

 

The nurse quickly looked on her computer.

 

"I'm sorry honey, but he passed away last night. If it's any help, he passed in his sleep, it was peaceful."

 

I nodded gratefully.

 

"Thank you."

 

I sat down in the waiting room for a while.

 

My father was dead.

 

I hadn't seen him in years.

 

And yes he abused me and degraded me, but he was my father.

 

I took out my phone and called Aubrey.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hey, I know we haven't talked in a while, but are you busy right now?"

 

"No. What's up?"

 

"Could you come pick me up at the hospital, I'll explain after."

 

"Ya, sure no problem. I'll be there in ten."

 

"Okay, thanks."

 

"Always."

 

We hung up and I waited.

 

I thought about my whole situation.

 

Abby and Patty were right.

 

They were proud because I had finally cut out the people that did me the most harm.

 

They may have been blood relatives, but they were shit.

 

They treated me like shit and lived in this shitty little snobby bubble.

 

They didn't deserve to see me.

 

Not now, not ever.

 

I met Aubrey outside.

 

"Hey, hop in." she said.

 

I jumped in and we were off.

 

"So, what's on your mind." she asked after a few minutes of silence.

 

"My dad died."

 

"What?"

 

"He died and I thought I owed it to my family to come see him before he died."

 

"Chloe. You don't owe them anything. Not after everything they've done to you."

 

"I know. But I had this moment where I doubted all my decisions since Erin died. And I thought I owed it to them because they were my family."

 

"Hey. You've made all the right decisions. You were right when you let everyone check in on you. You made the right decision when you left for good. And you sure as hell made the right decision when you stopped blaming yourself. You made it this far, don't let them drag you back to the start."

 

"Thank you."

 

"Always."

 

 

**_Picture, picture, smile for the picture_ **

****

**_Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?_ **

****

**_Everyone thinks that we're perfect_ **

****

**_Please don't let them look through the curtains._ **

****

 

I sat on the plane as we landed.

 

I remembered all those times, but one thing I'll never forget one thing.

 

 

One thing that helped me get through a lot of this.

 

I know Beca doesn't remember, but we knew each other when we were younger.

 

Before everything happened.

 

Before Erin and Jillian died.

 

Before Abby and Patty basically saved me.

 

Before everything went to shit.

 

We were neighbours for a year or two.

 

And when I was getting bullied for being Erin's little sister, she comforted me.

 

She held me and protected me from all the hatred.

 

"One day Chloe, one day, you'll find someone who will make you feel like you created the world. Like you put the stars in the sky and they'll love you forever. They'll love everything about you and will protect you from all the bad in the world. And you'll do the same. You'll be so in love that none of this, none of these kids will matter. You'll be love like Erin and Jillian, or like your parents. One day, you'll find that person, and I hope I'm there to see them."

 

 

**_D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E_ **

****

**_I see things that nobody else sees._ **

****

**_(D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E_ **

****

**_I see things that nobody else sees)_ **

 

 


End file.
